Out in the Mountains, June 1987

Dear Gertrude & Alice

Chelsea, VT & San Francisco Meet in Music

Dear Gertrude & Alice

Having a problem? Do you need another opinion? Write to Gertrude and Alice, c/o Out In the Mountains, PO Box 438, Hinesburg VT 05461

Dear Gertrude and Alice,

I don't know what has happened to my relationship with "Lori" (not her real name). We've been together almost a year and a half. At first, we made love often: two, sometimes three times a week. Now that we're living together, we only make love once a week, or sometimes even less. I am satisfied, but I don't know if Lori is. Is something wrong with us? How can I talk to Lori about this? Please help!

Celibate In St. Johnsbury

Dear Celibate,

Let's see now, you are satisfied with how often you and your lover are now making love, but you are concerned that 1) you don't feel as if it is "normal" 2) you feel uncertain that Lori's needs are being met, and 3) you don't know how to broach the topic. Well at least you have some idea that talking is definitely needed here. Talking honestly about sex with your lover regularly, no matter how long you've been with her or him, is very important. We know it isn't easy, but like a lot of other things, you'll probably feel a lot better afterwards. Perhaps you can suggest a discussion of how the living-together situation is going, if this is a recent development. Have her read this if you think that it will help break the ice. Chances are she will be glad you brought it up. As for whether there is anything wrong with you, you must have learned by now to ignore many of the voices of "normalcy". Whatever unique formula for happiness the two of you work out will be the right one.

Dear Gertrude and Alice,

I am so furious I can hardly see to write this. My lover got drunk the other night at a party and was flirting outrageously with anything that walked. We have been in a loving monogamous relationship for several years now, and I've never seen him act this way before. Does this mean he wants to be with someone else? Is he bisexual? (He was mostly flirting with women). Please answer soon -- I am worried that our relationship is on the skids.

Morose In Morrisville

Dear Morose:

You're so furious you can hardly see and you haven't let him know? For shame. Tell him you are hurt and confused. Tell him you don't like seeing him do this. Ask him whether he feels comfortable with the commitment in your relationship. You can't be expected to read his mind. If you are concerned and want to avoid a repeat performance, you should talk. However, we don't think that a night of party flirtations is necessarily serious. Flirting can be a fun, non-threatening way to deal with other attractions. As for whether his flirtations with women mean he is bisexual, we would have to say no. Flirtation is not necessarily a sign of serious attraction, and occasional attraction to members of the opposite sex doesn't mean bisexuality. Someone who chooses the label "bisexual" does so because he/she not only feels attractions to both genders, but also feels that both attractions are important. Only your lover can say whether he feels that is the label for him. Finally, if you've had several years together, give your problems serious attention -- your relationship deserves it.