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In the early '80s the sexual revolution was declared dead. AIDS, it was presumed, had done it in.
Sigh. The era of 'If it feels good, do it!' over? Yes. 'If it feels good' was a reaction against the straitjacketed '50s. And, as reactions tend to, in some ways it went too far, and in others, not far enough. Too far in that feeling good is not the only measure of how we should live. Not far enough in that in more cases than not people wound up going from one oppressive set of commandments to an equally oppressive set of correct behaviors.
Left, Right, Left, Right: the two political polarities provide us with a paucity of choices. Like marching to the tune of one of two drummers. So sexual regimentation and revolution both are inadequate for people who want freedom. Perhaps I could advance a few suggestions, rather than commandments or corrections?
Suggestion 1) You could adopt a description such as bi/poly/pansexual. This is far more damaging to overculture's sexual construct than declaring yourself as being monosexual i.e. gay, lesbian (or straight). Why? Because these binary either/or categories are inaccurate. They are verbal constructs -- labels -- that do no justice to the multifaceted muddle of human sexuality.
I believe that when we accept an either/or classification, it is more helpful to the oppressive elements of the overculture's sexual construct than harmful. This is because these classifications create walls, not bridges. (To sum it up it up with a joke: When they hear you're gay, they wonder what's wrong with you. When they hear you're bisexual, they wonder what's wrong with them.)
Suggestion 2) Since following any per or proscription other than what is true to your own nature is oppressive, make love with whomever you think and feel it is right to do so, and only those people. Not whomever you want whenever you want. Want is contradictory, and blind to everything but the object that satisfies it. I could want many things that are mutually exclusive, such as to sleep late this morning, and a job that keeps the place I sleep warm. I could want many things -- such as indiscriminate unprotected sex -- that are destructive to me as well as others physically, mentally, and spiritually.
There are as many ways to handle one's sexuality as there are people. Now, wait. Stop reading and think about the implications of this before you agree or disagree with it. This is terrifying, not only to the religious fundamentalists who cling to their commandments, but to each and every one of us no matter how revolutionary or perceptive or queer we see ourselves as being.
This means that we are faced with several frightening facts. First, we each face the responsibility of finding out how we must love and whom we must love. Second, and just as scary, there is the fact that we all change and the rules we set for ourselves have to change as well. (As a man who began his life attracted almost exclusively to men, and who is now equally attracted to both women and men, I can certainly attest to this.)
It also means that we have to risk disagreement with our friends and associates about such essential matters as whom we love and what these rules we live by will be. This is frightening because almost everyone reflexively is threatened by these differences.
Do lesbigayqueertransetc. people reflexively condemn different sexual orientations just as a group of conservative religionists would condemn someone does not live by their rules? More often than not, yes. So many gay men, for example, will humor leathermen and drag queens, but not value them. So many lesbians, for example, will devalue bisexual women. And ad nauseum. And so the desire for the illusion of safety maintained by totem and taboo entices all of us, rigid and radical alike, with its promises of stability and security.
Suggestion 3) It is essential to live by certain ethical principles in order for any relationship to work. These include, but are not limited to
1. Relentless honesty. Oh, yes. Almost without exception, the more you are afraid to say it or think it, the more essential it is to say or think. Releasing feelings, doubts, and fears through speech is something that deflates their power and makes trust possible. Admitting to your anger, love, trust, and vulnerability is an essential element to bonding lovers and friends alike.
2. A sense of humor about each other and especially ourselves. Anything that you can't laugh at part of the time has you beaten. You've lost your perspective.
3. Dedication to happiness as opposed to pleasure. Pleasure is right now. Happiness is gained only by the ability to delay certain pleasures in order to experience other, better ones. Not that all pleasures must be delayed. But you have to discipline and discriminate in order to keep your life, and loves, in harmony.
And I believe that even if agreement of ethical principles could be reached, each person ideally needs to decide individually how such principles would be applied in each case.
I really could go on and on with these, but I think you might be better able to put something together for yourself.
Ah, and there's the hard part -- for yourself. The insistence of many religionists that everyone follow predetermined, preinterpreted commandments supposedly handed down by a deity has at its core a very sensible acknowledgement that individuals do usually act selfishly. To take refuge in a common code is to at least take a step towards broadening one's perspective away from one's self interest.
There's a lot of hard work for all of us to make this sexual evolution really happen. It behooves us to look to our own errors first, particularly when they are the same errors for which we condemn our cultural and political opponents.
