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Editor:
In her article about domestic violence in the queer community (April, 1999), Laura Miller describes certain tactics of abusive behaviors, and wonders why anyone would remain with a violent partner. She asserts that such victims must be in denial about their situations, or must be in need of a violent partner to experience their own repressed anger, or may even be crazy.
I am a formerly battered lesbian. My own situation occurred while I was volunteering as an advocate at a battered women's shelter in Massachusetts; my abusive girlfriend was also a volunteer at this same agency. As I read Ms. Miller's article, I was unfortunately reminded of one of my own barriers to safety and services, one reason that my escape from my abuser took many months. At the time, I was afraid that if I told my friends the truth about the emotional and sexual violence my girlfriend subjected me to, that they'd lose respect for me and probably judge me. Maybe they'd tell me that I was using my girlfriend to experience my own repressed anger. Maybe they'd even tell me I was crazy. I was afraid that my community would hold me responsible for my girlfriend's violence. I was afraid that they'd see me through the same kind of judgmental, unsympathetic lens that Ms. Miller has turned on all of us who have been subjected to a partner's violence.
Ms. Miller wonders why people don't just "get out" of abusive relationships. I did get out, again and again. Each time, she would bring me presents, she'd cry, she'd make all kinds of promises about changing her ways. When I could no longer believe her promises, and did not give her any more chances, she began to harass me at home and at work, and to threaten me with physical assault. Six years later, I'm in another state, yet I still jump when I see someone who looks like her. That's the legacy of abuse.
My story is just one story. But after eight years of doing domestic violence advocacy work in two states, I can recognize what my story shares with the stories of most survivors of abuse: my ex-girlfriend took certain actions, and used threats and coercion, to gain and then maintain control over me. It's the batterer's desire for power and control which is the essential core of violence in any abusive relationship.
I appreciate Ms. Miller's effort to bring this issue back into our community's discussions. But I encourage her to refocus her attention, to take a break from asking "Why doesn't the victim just leave?", and to instead ask, "Why does this abuser treat her/his partner so badly? Why does this person feel entitled to hurt his/her partner?" These are the questions that will help us, as a community, to support the safety and rights of victims and to hold abusers accountable for their own behavior.
Celia Cuddy
Burlington
