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Political Views from the Kingdom
Twenty Something
20.s
Emily Post's Worst Nightmare
by Thomas Henning
I propose that the members of the gay community get together and compile a handbook on gay sex.
Now I am not talking the joys of gay sex, which is like saying the joy of cooking – a lot of effort and mess for a few tasty morsels and a couple grams of protein.
No, I mean a handbook that can tell someone who may not be well versed in sexual playing field etiquette how to handle certain situations.
So, to get us started, I have come up with a few situations that I would personally like to see addressed, along with my responses to those situations.
What is the proper way of handling a stranger standing directly behind you, trying to come on to you, while you’re at the urinal in a bar?
There is no easy way to handle this type of situation, other than just turning around in mid-stream and asking if he is so dim as not to realize he is invading your personal space.
This approach may make you seem standoffish or send the message that you’re into public water sports. Although either message is fine if it accurately depicts you, I would go for a subtler route.
You see, now I am talking in general terms, and this may not apply to everyone; gay men are horny little buggers who will do whatever it takes to make sure they can get their batter into your easy-bake oven, if you know what I am saying. The trick is to turn the tables and make them nervous.
I say, while his hot, beer-laden breath makes your neck feel like flypaper on a hot Southern day, that you should casually ask if he thinks you should be concerned about the periwinkle discharge in your urine stream. If he asks what periwinkle is, then you most likely have an intoxicated straight boy, and that is a whole other situation.
If he says no, then you have no other choice but to turn around and spell "go home" on his Tommy Hilfigers.
What do you do when you’re too shy to ask out someone who has been flirting with you?
The simple answer is to go home, make a quilt, and get over yourself. Pumpkins, dating is not like getting a UPS delivery. You can’t just sit home and expect that some cute guy with killer thighs is going to come to your doorstep, in uniform, with a great package.
Sweetpeas, I don’t think I know a single queer who hasn’t moaned about not having a date. In fact, all of them, including myself, are too busy moaning to ask. Do us all a favor and buck the trend.
What is the most respectful way of handling a one-night stand?
This one really depends on a few environmental variables.
If you are in the person’s home, you should wait until he brings you breakfast in bed and tells you how last night changed his life forever. If you are at your house, then you should politely wait until he offers to make the two of you breakfast. Either way you should spend at least 20 minutes of non-sexual time in the morning just to make the event seem civilized.
If the person doesn’t sleep over, or you have what I like to call drive-thru sex, just call it what it was and move on. If you want to see him again, then give him a way to get in touch; if you don’t, don’t offer.
Lastly, always be kind. Remember, you have been naked together, and he has seen you in your morning glory.
How do you know when you are officially dating exclusively?
This is tricky. Everyone has his or her own measure.
I believe you can be officially classified as exclusive after, and only after: 1) three get-away weekends out of town (two of which he has paid for, 2) you have met the last two exes and they both have new partners, 3) you have met at least one family member, 4) and, of course, he spends time with you in places other than cyber chat rooms.
I also would recommend putting him through the movie test. Rent your all-time favorite movie – don’t be ashamed – and watch it with him. If you can watch the movie together without wanting to feed him his intestines, then you may just have a chance to make a go of it.
I could go on, pumpkins, but my time is up. My point is that it is freakin’ hard to figure out the ins and outs of this crazy life, and we all have a different way of going about it. Let’s talk about it with each other more. Let’s get together with people in all kinds of settings and enjoy life and talk about our lives. It’s a small world, and you would be amazed at how much we have in common with each other.