OP/ED
Naughty or Nice
Naughty or Nice?
by Ernie McLeod
Since I can approximate neither the girth nor the jolly temperament of the real Santa, let me pretend for a moment to be Santa’s right-hand gay elf, the one who’s peeking over his beard as he’s making that list and checking it twice. So I’m going to tell you who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.
To simplify matters, let’s say that all those who have been good this year will receive delightful rainbow striped candy canes, and all those who have been bad will be rewarded with drearily unfabulous lumps of coal.
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| Coal and candy for Ho-Ho. |
Let’s start right here in Vermont (which has earned a gold star on Santa’s world map) with the newly re-elected Governor Howard Dean, known as Ho-Ho by some, appropriately for the season. Governor Dean’s been a fence-straddler this year, tipping on the naughty side of the fence with his remark about same-sex marriage making him uncomfortable, “the same as everybody else.” (Funny, a lot of us merrier elves aren’t the least uncomfortable about the idea.) Then there was the closeted bill signing, the nonsense about civil unions not really being historic. Santa can spot political hot air all the way from the North Pole, and there’ve been thicker clouds than usual hanging over Montpelier since last December. So, a neatly wrapped lump of coal for the Governor, but a big candy cane for standing up for human rights when the chips were down.
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Candy for the diabolical duo?. photos: Barb Dozetos/VT State Archives |
A big candy cane, too, for Representative Nancy Sheltra, to be shared with brave crusader Randall Terry, who—during his residence in Vermont—donned surprisingly gay apparel. (We elves spotted him in a darling fedora!) What?! A candy cane for the wicked wandering opportunist and for Derby’s Satan in a dress? Has Santa been nipping at the eggnog? More candy canes for Dr. Laura, whose TV show will be coal dust before long. And for sign-napping Addison County senator Tom Bahre, who “compares the civil unions situation to dynamiting a beaver dam.” Let’s just say there are some people who are so naughty (i.e. ignorant) they ultimately lead to good. Perverse but true. Trust the big man on this one.
Not quite in that category yet are the mysteriously named organizations that spring up like poison holly whenever it seems gay people might get treated like equal citizens: GPS, TIP, Who Would Have Thought, For the Children, Vermonters Taking a Stand, the misnomers go on. A lump of coal for each lie they’ve told in the past year. Extra sleighs will be required. For insurance salesman/self-appointed gay expert Mr. Stephen Cable, let’s toss in a special Magic 8-Ball of coal containing all the rational questions he’s afraid to allow at his “informational” forums on homosexuality.
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| Representative Marion Milne |
Load up the candy canes for all Vermont supporters of gay marriage. Bonus candy canes for supporters who happen to be straight, and double bonus for supporters who are both straight and Republican. Special consolation candy canes, cheers, and hugs for all those who voted their conscience and were voted out of office as a result. The bigots may have remembered this November, but your goodness should be remembered for many Novembers to come. A personally delivered candy cane to one of the unfairly defeated, Representative Marion Milne, who, without doubt, is the rockingest Republican grandmother south of the North Pole.
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| Representative William Suchmann |
Candy canes and fa-la-la-la-la honorary gay pins for the straight guys who, against all odds, get it. This would include Republican Representative Bill Suchmann, who had the startlingly clear revelation that his conditioned discomfort at seeing same-sex displays of affection was, well, his problem. He then went on to speak eloquently in favor of gay rights.
If Santa kept a list of coolest straight guys in the world, right toward the top would be Senator Dick McCormack. Here’s a Dick with a brain. Hearing him genially yet completely unravel the arguments of his less enlightened colleagues makes this little elf positively giddy.
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| Civil Union supporter Senator Dick McCormack. |
For seeing through the reindeer doo doo to the heart of the issue, Seven Days columnist Peter Freyne deserves a pat on the back from the jolly old man himself. No straight man sees a homophobic stocking stuffer for what it is faster or funnier than Freyne. How lucky we are to be on his Inside Track. Bill Maher is a Peter Freyne for the masses, hosting a gay wedding on Politically Incorrect, proving that even obnoxious white guys who make big bucks can jingle our bells.
If people can be naughty and nice, so can groups, often with more impact. No merit badges this year for the Boy Scouts, who define “morally straight” literally and narrow-mindedly, never mind that the gay boys and men within their ranks truly love the institution. Not good enough for the powers that be! Coal in all their backward pup tents. Candy canes and good cookie sales for the Girl Scouts, who have no such policy.
Some religious institutions think we’re naughty and some think we’re nice; the same can be said for individuals within those institutions. Let’s pledge to treat them as they treat us. Candy canes for all the independent-thinking Catholics who speak in favor of honoring same-sex relationships. Coal for Vermont’s own grinch, Bishop Kenneth Angel, who, when posing the question, “How Would Jesus Vote?” is certain of the answer. We hear a different answer, Bishop. Then there’s the Pope himself who declared Rome’s World Pride 2000 an affront to his Grand Jubilee. Sorry, pontiff, we’re part of the grand jubilee too, however we choose to celebrate it.
Of course, not all gay people are nice either.
There are those who voted for George W. Bush in the presidential election, an estimated 25 percent. We’d send them coal, but they already have it, in their heads. There’s Anne Heche—oops, she’s not really gay. (Sorry, some elves get catty towards Christmas.) There are the let’s-CU-just-because-we-can out-of-staters already inquiring about the process of undoing. Not so easy, and belated lumps of coal as your wedding gift. There are the gay people who think, because they don’t personally want a Civil Union, that “Take Back Vermont” didn’t mean them. There are others who think teenagers seeking information on sex should only hear about the “nice” stuff. Guess what: for some, naughty=nice. And there are still others who believe that transgendered people don’t belong under our rainbow umbrella. They do, and they’ve been left out in the rain too long.
Santa’s list is long, but this little elf must get back to the gay village workshop. In whatever way we choose to spend our holidays, let’s take some time to be good (to each other) for goodness sake.
When he’s not hanging out around the Arctic Circle, Ernie McLeod lives in Middlebury.