Health & Well Being
Faith Matters
Health &
Wellbeing
Faith Matters & Iconic Matters
by the Rev. Christine Leslie
When this month’s OITM lands in your hands, a momentous change will have occurred in the state of Vermont, the likes of which have not been seen before in this country. It’s almost mind-boggling to realize that, as of July 1, Martha and I will be able to go Williston’s Town Clerk’s office, pay $20, and get a document that, once filed, will make it possible for us to access some of the legal benefits, rights, and privileges that only opposite-gender couples have had access to until now.
What once was only a distant dream is now a very close reality. When I wrote my July/August 1997 “Faith Matters” column on marriage, I had no idea how the lawsuits filed that summer by Stan, Peter, Holly, Lois, Stacey, and Nina would fare in Vermont’s court system. I believed then, as I do now, that this was a right and good step for them to take. Apparently, so did Vermont’s Supreme Court Justices, not to mention more than half of Vermont’s legislators.
Now, there are many questions to sort through that we have never had to deal with before. For instance, when it comes to making a legal commitment to a partner, the question has shifted from “Would we if we could?” to “Do we or don’t we?” If we do, do we ask a justice of the peace or a member of the clergy to officiate at the “certification” of our civil union? What difference does it make to use the services of a justice of the peace rather those of a clergy person, and vice versa? What do we do if one of us wants a legal ceremony while the other wants a service that is religious and/or spiritual in nature? What difference would it make, if any, to have a religious and/or spiritual service in the legalization of our relationship?
What if we have never come out to our families and wanting to have a ceremony brings this issue into the picture?
Leaving the status of “legal strangers” behind forever involves having the courage to ask these and many other challenging questions. Answering them takes considerable love, courage, honesty, humility, and humor. Asking and answering these questions can help a couple to decide whether or not they’re making the right step in the right way at the right time for them.
Experience has taught me that helping couples to navigate the waters of these important questions is critical to the process of preparing them for the vow-making process, especially if their relationship is a relatively new one. I don’t know to what degree a justice of the peace works with couples to prepare them for this step.
For couples who ask either Martha or me to officiate at their civil union services, we ask each partner to complete a questionnaire we call a Partnership Awareness Inventory and return them to us. We ask that they do this without any discussion between themselves about the questions or their answers.
We go over the couple’s respective answers in three to five counseling sessions, discussing the similarities and differences in their responses to the questions. Having gone through this process ourselves in preparation for our own Service of Commitment in 1995, we found it very valuable to have the opportunity to face issues we had not considered, and to discuss things we were both tentative to talk about on our own. It also gave our priest the opportunity to get to know us on more intimate terms. This, in turn, made his officiating at our service all the more meaningful and memorable for us.
For couples who have already had a Service of Commitment and who have been together for a good number of years, let’s say five or more, this extensive preparatory process may not be necessary. In fact, Martha and I are in this boat. When we celebrate the fifth anniversary of our Service of Commitment this fall, we are planning to have a very simple, civil union service with a few close friends attending.
I am looking forward to renewing our vows and having them strengthened legally. This will in turn strengthen the spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical bonds between Martha and me. And God knows we need all the strength we can get for our journey in this vitriolic, homophobic world we live in.
To have civil unions available to us and have them matter as much as they do, even as limited as they still are, is still cause for joyous celebration in my book.
I will be forever grateful to those who worked to create and pass the civil union legislation. In so doing, they have helped to deepen and strengthen my faith in the vow “to have and to hold, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health; to love, honor, and cherish until death parts us.” This, in turn, has deepened and strengthened my faith in the goodness of our relationships and the goodness of The Sacred One who still calls us to “do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly” all the days of our lives. If these matters don’t matter, then I don’t know what does.
Rev. Christine Leslie, cofounder and director of Triangle Ministries, A Center for Lesbian & Gay Spiritual Development, is available for individual and couple counseling, weddings, and retreat/workshop leadership. She can be reached at 860-7106 or revcsl@aol.com .