Mr Les B. Frank

Your Guidance Counselor for Life

Hey Mr. Frank,

I have been with the same girlfriend for almost five months. The only time we really get along, though, is when we’re in bed. The rest of the time we fight about everything. Our latest major fight is about whether or not to move in together. How do we know when we’re ready for that?

Signed,

When?

Dear When,

I’d say “if” is the better question. You say that the only time you get along is when you’re in bed. Take a moment to consider how much time, during your average day, you’re in bed – awake. If you’re fighting the rest of the time, that’s a lot of anger for a relatively little bit of what I assume is good sex. I imagine that you’d be fighting, during your intimate moments, too, if your mouths weren’t too busy doing other things.

Before you rent the U-Haul, decide whether you want to be sharing a house or apartment with a woman you fight with so much just to have carnal convenience? There are a lot of women out there who can be wonderful lovers and who can also provide enjoyable companionship.

Find a lover not a fighter.

*****

Hey Mr. Frank!

Since I came out 11 months ago, I’ve been looking for a boyfriend to share my life with, but all I seem to find are jerks. They either want to play head and heart games, just want a one night stand, or they want to control my every move.

I’m not sure how to find the right guy. Most guys run when I tell them I’m disabled. I mean they act like I need them to take care of me, but I don’t need that. I just want to find the one to share my thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions, life and love with and someone who will share the same with me. I do not want someone who is going to base a relationship on sex. I think if someone loves someone for real it won’t matter whether the sex is good, bad or if we don’t have it at all.

How do I find the right guy without going through all these jerks? I’m sick and tired of meeting jerks. People tell me I’m young and have plenty of time. I agree that I’m young, but I don’t want to grow old and be alone.

Please help me!

Sincerely,

Bradley James, Jr.
Piermont, NH

Dear Bradley,

It’s letters like yours that make me wish I were a hairy-fairy godfather and could wave a magic penis-shaped wand and deliver the perfect life partner to your door. Looking for sex is easy. Looking for love is the real challenge.

The fact that you’re young complicates matters in that many gay men go through a bit of a slut phase when freshly out. So, potential dates your own age are often looking for a quick trick rather than a lifetime of shared treats. But, there are men who want the same things that you do. Trust me. I know many of them personally.

Your being disabled may be a problem for some people but it is their problem, not yours. Don’t allow someone else’s fears or shallow assumptions make you feel less deserving of romance. Be clear with could-be boyfriends about exactly what you want and need. If you aren’t candid, other people can confuse their own projections of what’s in your heart and on your mind with what they think might be there.

You’re not alone in having to wade through a sea of jerks to find the prize. I have had more than my share of losers on my way to finding my soulmate and lover. Many of my friends – men and women, gay and straight – have had similar treks through the trash before discovering a quality catch. So, on this point, I wish you patience.

Don’t go looking for dates where others are mostly looking for sex. That would include a lot of gay bars and many chat rooms. Try doing a personal ad or having friends introduce you to available men. Concentrate on seeking men who could be friends and who share your understanding of how the world should be.

You’ve already taken a big step in that direction. You’ve articulated exactly what you do and don’t want. Kindred spirits eventually find each other.