Features
Breaking the Silence:
An Interview with a
Gay Sex Offender
An Interview with a Gay Sex Offender
by Euan Bear
You’re about to meet Wayne Bowers, a recovering sex offender who is gay. I’ve met him several times when we spoke together on panels at conferences for social workers and therapists who deal with child sexual abuse. I was there to speak as an adult survivor of child sexual abuse. Wayne looks slim and fit and is distinguished looking, a very dapper dresser. His mustachioed face shows curiosity, warmth, and openness. He’s one of the guys most people never hear about, both because he’s a treatment success story and because he’s gay. He doesn’t always come out as a gay man during his speeches — he’s as wary of the stereotype as the gay community is. He has spoken at conferences, on television, and to men in the sex offender treatment program at the Northwest Regional Correctional Center in St. Albans. At his most recent speaking engagement in Vermont, a speakout for male survivors and recovering offenders held at St. Michael’s College, he agreed to an interview for Out in the Mountains.
EB: When did you know you were gay? Were you an adult or an adolescent? Was there any option of coming out to your family and getting support?
Growing up in Oklahoma in a conservative church background and with a tight knit family structure, and the lack of information about gay issues back in the 1950s and 1960s, I didn’t even know the terms “gay” or “straight” as we do now. So, the early days were just a realization of a certain attraction to boys, but I was not able to put a label on it. All my comments now are based on what I’ve learned about myself, not thoughts I had then. I recall first having some sexual encounters with boys when I was 5 or 6 and that type of activity occurred periodically over about 8 more years in what I would refer to as experimental exploration.
I realize now that I had an attraction to boys, even kept a log of boys I found appealing in a high school directory, and I didn’t do the same for girls. I recall how difficult it was to ask a girl out for a date — and now it is quite clear to me — I didn’t want to take a girl on a date, I wanted to take a boy. But that didn’t even enter my mind that it was an option. I don’t think I saw an option to “come out” to my family, for I didn’t understand that was what the situation was. I was awkward about dating through high school and even into college and beyond. Other high school buddies didn’t date until their senior year, so we didn’t see anything strange. I did date one girl most of my senior year, she was a sophomore. I do recall it never got intimate, and though she was fun, I can see I wasn’t “head over heels” over her.
With that in mind, it is one reason why I am so supportive of glbt discussion groups and support groups in high schools and colleges today — to help young people deal with those same feelings and issues I had back then (and had nowhere to turn).
I recall the first guy to show me how to masturbate was when an older boy in our class showed a couple buddies and me how he could do so, and though I could not physically perform at that time, I awkwardly fell into that act in the 6th grade.
Around the 4th and 5th grades I had a crush (I guess you would say) on my neighbor who was a year older. Much of it was a sports adoration and just the fact he was a year older. But I recall us playing “doctor” and doing things naked and all and I was real attracted to him. I recall I had a bedwetting problem and one year he traveled with us on a vacation and I was so scared I would wet the bed and it would be embarrassing. That actually is one area of therapy that I have not covered yet and know there is some stuff I need to uncover that may play a role in my later behavior.
When did I know I was gay? To understand that term totally, it was not until I was in therapy in prison the 2nd time, after going through the Johns Hopkins evaluation and crash course of 4 months before sentencing in 1983. I then pieced together my pedophilic [pre-pubertal boy-loving] and hebophilic [adolescent boy-loving] patterns and behavior and learned a control, but I still hadn’t reached a resolve on my sexual identity.
It actually surfaced quite well through interaction with a therapist in a Kansas prison. I had gotten started in therapy, and a new facility right by the old place opened. [Bowers was transferred as a “model prisoner,” cutting short his participation in a therapy program.] I was very upset, knowing I had to complete a [therapy] program for my parole hearing. But my attorney spoke with Ms. Austin, who stated … that she would call me in for testing and interviews periodically.
[That process] led to a lot of repeat answers on the MMPI that, along with an autobiography I wrote for the former program, gave Ms. Hall an inkling of some closeted feelings I was showing. And she did a good job of working through those with me individually and finally in a group, to where I eventually accepted the fact I was gay. That would have been in about 1987.
EB: When did you realize that you were attracted to boys? How old were the boys? Does this attraction have anything to do with your being gay? If not, why not?
I started acting out with boys in the spring of my freshman in college. What I didn’t realize at that time is what I know now — my sexual maturity had frozen back in the 7th grade. As I grew physically, I was still frozen at puberty age socially and sexually.
But I was homesick (my parents moved away just before I started college in the town where I grew up), and I had pledged a fraternity, like all my buddies in high school had done. Up to now, there hadn’t been serious pressure to date — just some subtle urging by Mom. Now, it was expected and I picked up on the male hormone factory that college campuses can be — and I believe it was very intimidating for me.
I spent many long distance calls moaning [to my parents] about being in over my head in classes, etc., not liking the dorm life of a fraternity (I am an only child and this was first time I had to share a room and a bathroom). But the real reason I was terribly upset was one I didn’t/couldn’t reach in discussion with my folks.
I was so out of place in the social firestorm of a fraternity and it never stopped. From a need for dates to almost everything to just hearing the [sexual] interactions [among others], I can see it was getting to me. (And remember, emotionally I am at a 7th grade level — which I didn’t understand at that time).
So, by the spring my system sought a release [in] something I found comforting. It was interaction with boys around the age of my growing up — at that time they had to be in the 7-9 age range.
Whether this has to do with me being gay or not, I am not sure. I guess the fact it was boys may mean something. Jumping ahead to my recovery, I know [that] once I uncovered all these answers and found my sexual maturity had frozen, and then also accepting the fact I was attracted to guys and had made a verbal and emotional acceptance (in therapy) that I was gay, I have not had a problem of acting out, or a serious drive to want to be sexual with a child underage since. I believe getting comfortable with who I really am as a person, accepting that identity, beginning to explore [relationships with] persons who are age-appropriate and gaining a confidence in that orientation has been very empowering for me.
EB: How did you approach the boys you were sexual with? What relationship did you have with them? What leverage did you use to get them to be sexual with you and not to tell?
I did it by cruising and getting into conversation [with a boy]. I bought some porn magazines and would see if they wanted to see them. The ones who showed the most interest, I pursued into more action — even in the car. That continued for a while longer. I was suspended from the first [college] I attended because of a second arrest for this behavior. No charges were filed, but I was terminated from the school. I had therapy, but the questions never were specific to my interest and desire to be intimate with boys. [The therapy] dealt with all the generic questions I heard in 20 years of therapy — tell about your father, your mother; how about your social life? Tell about your stress in work. Nobody ever asked why I liked playing with little boys. I now see that I was entrenched in denial, and if nobody would ask me these very intimate questions, I was not going to share it.
Later on, I began seeking out boys I knew, either from the town I lived in, or boys who played baseball for me on teams I coached, or had brothers who had played. By being active in the sports program, I knew the kids and the families, and it was a close interaction. I gained a large network of boys that way.
I didn’t see the leverage or manipulation I was developing. I had [the power of] position in the community where I was. Especially at the time before my last arrest, where I was coach, but also as editor/publisher of the paper and [because I] covered the school activities very in-depth. I was a big fish in a small pond. I learned the kids in town all knew about my behavior, but the adults did not.
I never put pressure on a boy not to talk. I didn’t see it that way, I don’t believe. See, for me, what we were doing was our date, my social life, and though that is despicable when you think about it, that is what it was. So, who would ask their date not to say anything? I do recall one boy saying no when I showed an advance to him. I told him I would never approach him again and we even knew each other beyond that.
EB: Correct me if anything among the following facts is wrong: You were arrested in two different states for molesting adolescent boys.
I was arrested in Oklahoma during college, but charges were dropped for lack of evidence. That was in the 1960s and there was very little experience in handling sexual abuse cases.
EB: You were jailed in the first state but received only some general addiction counseling for treatment.
I was jailed briefly in Oklahoma, and the counseling I received was not even to the extent of addiction behavior — the assessment (what there was of it) did not see that pattern at all. It was just general counseling with first a psychologist and then a psychiatrist. I would say neither had training in the field of sex abuse behavior.
EB: You were awaiting sentencing the second time when you discovered Fred Berlin’s treatment program at Johns Hopkins, were sentenced, served time, then returned to Johns Hopkins to enter the treatment program.
Yes, after my arrest in Kansas and my realization it could lead to a second conviction and incarceration, I was just housed at a treatment center where I had gone upon parole about 10 years earlier after the first prison stint.
This facility had put me in their substance abuse program and said they had no sex abuse block of counseling, but felt my behavior seemed to fit a similar pattern. They told me that each time I heard “drugs” or “alcohol abuse,” to compare it to my sexual activity. It seemed to fit and I found the 12-step introduction to be helpful.
While at that clinic, I was contacted by some friends in the Kansas community where I had lived. They had seen an installment of the Donohue show with a therapist named Dr. Fred Berlin of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, talking about a case in San Antonio. A convicted rapist was being given probation and directed to move to Baltimore and receive the medication Depo-Provera to lower his sex drive and be on probation. Upon hearing about it, I contacted my attorney. He was able to contact Dr. Berlin’s office and we were able to negotiate with my judge to let me go to Baltimore (at my cost) and be evaluated at Hopkins [in place of] my pre-sentence investigation (I had pled guilty). Leery of the move and feeling some pressure of the high visibility of my case, the judge let it be known that I could make this move, but that I had already served prison time previously and that it was his intention that I would on this sentence also.
The assessment there [at Johns Hopkins] took about three weeks and it was very extensive. One of the most important pieces of information I gained was the fact my testosterone count is about double that of the average male. So, it told me that I needed to gain a strategy to stay away from arousing circumstances, for once that occurs, and I’ve broken a boundary, the hormone and the normal sex drive takes off. This is the kind of information I had never known about myself. I realized how driven I was — I didn’t understand why. Because basically, I have a good value system and come from a solid family and cultural background.
After the evaluation, I was discharged from inpatient treatment and my attorney urged me to work out a housing process [there in Baltimore] and get into as much outpatient therapy as I could — just cram it in while the judge hadn’t [yet] asked me back for sentencing. It turned into about 4 months. I attended 42 group therapy sessions — more than most people have in a lifetime. I heard it all. This literally was a crash course on sexual behavior and just sex education. It was like a second education to me and the most important knowledge I ever gained.
We negotiated for Dr. Berlin to attend my sentencing hearing, and he also spoke about the clinic where I had been housed. Unfortunately, the judge was not [impressed], and even made the comment in his sentencing statement “This is a courtroom, not a hospital,” as he sent me to prison.
My plan put in place for Baltimore then became a parole plan. And even though I was passed over by the parole board once, that did eventually become the plan I fulfilled. I returned to Baltimore in the spring of 1989. I was placed in one of the outpatient groups — just like the kind I had attended under that intensive stay in the winter of 1983-84.
EB: Do you know whether any of the boys you victimized later came out as gay?
I do not know about all the boys whom I victimized in Oklahoma. In Kansas, I do not know of any circumstances for any of them.
EB: Can you explain how you keep separate now what part of your sexuality was about being gay and what part was about being an adult male attracted to underage boys?
I will always have an attraction to adolescent boys. Now, with all I possess in empathy and understanding the importance of respecting their innocence, their privacy, their right to grow into a normal sexual life, and having met and talked with many persons who have been victimized and seen their struggles, I believe what I sense more today is an empathy for them, rather than an attraction.
I have safeguards in place to keep from being too closely involved with [underage boys]. I know the triggers that could lead me to go further in relationship with them. I am so happy that many kids with questions in their makeup and their lives now have outlets to seek assistance. However, a huge concern I have is for all the young people — boys and girls — with relationship issues within their families. There are so many single parent families and where the parents work all the time. Quality time with their kids is limited. Are they meeting the emotional needs of their children? Are the kids seeking that need elsewhere? It is when a person with a makeup — like I have had in the past — can sense that vulnerability and befriend the child and somewhere down the road, break boundaries of the child’s physical space.
EB: What do you think about the stereotype that gay men are child molesters?
I know that there is a thought among those who don’t take the time to get to know gays — that gays are all attracted to children and sexually want to exploit them. It is a terrible insult to many men and women who are wonderful with children.
EB: Aren’t you the embodiment of that image?
Yes, my past shows this to be the case. It is my story, and I do believe there are other men who have had some kind of sexual trauma early in their development stage to where they developed a pattern of sexual activity with children.
But, once they were able to gain an understanding and develop controls of their behavior, they have lived successful lives. This is just a fact of life.
Its about human frailty and human dynamics, whether gay or straight. And it’s a shame we can’t openly discuss our weaknesses and attractions and desires and ways to confront them, so we could do a better job of protecting those who are vulnerable — rather than always taking a reactive position.
EB: Have you met or do you know of other gay sexual abusers? How many?
In my work with the Sex Abuse Treatment Alliance [a national organization promoting treatment for sex offenders], and on the board of Stop It Now! [a national child abuse prevention program with a pilot project in Vermont], I’ve interacted with quite a few men who have similar stories to mine. I feel it is an issue that we need to address. It may not be politically correct to consider that we have had a very distorted and wrong and inappropriate relationship issue that needs correcting. Yes, there can be power and control within its makeup, but again I point out — since being comfortable with my sexuality, I have not offended in over 18 years!
EB: Are you in a relationship now with an adult? If so, how old is he? How old are you?
I just turned 56. I am not in a relationship with anyone. After gaining an insight of how my sexual maturity had frozen at an adolescent stage, I have constantly worked on expanding that maturity. That means taking the baby steps that all of us do in getting comfortable in dating, in being turned down and feeling lonely and unacceptable. Then having a date and feeling on top of the world only to find the person doesn’t want to date any more. Or to have that one special person and feel something is really developing, and then be heart-broken over it coming to an end. And dealing with the sadness and frustration that all that entails. I hadn’t been through those steps. And so I continue to work on that. Will my attraction ever reach my own age range? Hard to say. But I do know that I am in a comfortable zone of age-appropriate social life.
Not having that one special person is one regret I have in life and I do hope someone does enter my life. I feel much of my 12 years of freedom have been more devoted to employment and the serious work of telling this story, and not enough devotion to my own social needs. It has not been a cause of alarm for me - in regards to a possible backslide. I am very socially active in my community, participating in glbt programs at Michigan State University and the city of Lansing. I am on a speaker’s bureau of glbt persons to talk about gay issues. I am on a committee developing gay/straight alliances in all the metropolitan Lansing school systems.
I see how much the lack of this support was a detriment for me. I want to reach out to help young people every way I can. I feel this is pro-active. I almost feel better about this effort than dwelling on the huge and overwhelming public policy issues of sex abuse legislation and prison issues.
EB: What do you tell your adult sexual partners or potential partners about your past as a child sexual abuser?
When I feel comfortable in a friendship, I share this part of me. I feel it is important that someone close to me know this information. It is a part of me, and though I’m not proud of what I did, I am very proud of the effort I’ve taken to gain control and stay in control.
EB: What keeps you from acting on any continuing attraction to boys under age 21? How long have you been offense-free?
As I said, I have not acted inappropriately since August of 1983. Here is what I feel is the most important aspect of my recovery: Any time I see a boy I find attractive and know he is underage, I have gained a way of approaching this situation. I accept and say to myself that I am attracted to him. If I’m with someone who understands my recovery, I may even tell them. Then, I go through a series of statements that at one time I had to say very slowly and move away from the presence of the boy.
Now I can just think it quickly — in one fell swoop. I say [to myself] that though I find him appealing and attractive, that I owe him his right to privacy, to his innocence, to his own time frame to become comfortable with his sexual life, to honor and respect his physical space. And I also say to myself that I owe it to myself, and realize the consequences that could come from such an interaction, that I have paid dearly in the past, I owe it to my wonderful family for their continued support, and to my huge circle of friends for all they have done for me and continue to do for me. And I have a huge responsibility for all the people I represent in the work I do, for those many people who have said they look up to me and want to someday be as strong as I am [in remaining offense-free]. I owe it to all the therapists who helped me so well with the right direction to my life.
All of this is said quickly now — but there was a time when I stated all that after the acceptance of the attraction. I have found it very important to take ownership of the attraction.
Let’s face it, we all “window shop” humans we find attractive. And none of us can answer why we are attracted to whoever we are — it just so happens we are. It is vital for me to accept that and own it, then move on.