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Biodiversity and the GLTBQ Community
Kitch-en Gardens or Virgin Mary and the Seven Gnomes
Kitch-en Gardens or Virgin Mary and the Seven Gnomes
by Brian Tymon
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With Spring on our doorstep, I am already thinking about my garden themes for this year.
Given my personal inclination for integrating “native” themes and plants in my garden landscaping efforts, I wondered how unique local styles might be advanced in the search for new and unusual garden themes. I’m all for creativity – after all, my garden currently includes a 300-year-old Tunisian crypt gate, a variety of iron sunflowers, and two one-hundred-pound concrete griffins named Aldo and Bruno. Future plans for enhancing our rural home include a bocce court on an old riding paddock, complete with patio tables and Cinzano umbrellas to amaze and confound our neighbors.
Now for my challenge for this year! Most of us have seen them, some of the braver among us have actually photographed them (okay, maybe not), and perhaps one of you might already own one. I refer not to some mythical beast or elusive winged creature – I am talking about a bathtub Virgin Mary shrine.
When Philip and I first moved to Vermont from just outside the Napa Valley two years ago, we had no idea that the bathtub Virgin Mary would become part of our tour of Vermont. When friends visit, we take them to the usual places – Ben & Jerry’s, Trapp Family Lodge, Church Street – and now we drive by a few select homes (some mobile!) whose residents have chosen this unique form of divine expression.
Philip was the first to point out the unusual form of yard décor over cocktails one early Spring evening. My first reaction was, “No dear, that must have been a moose.” Sure enough, though, when he drove me by the location of his vision, Mary was right there – in the bathtub!
We choose not reveal the location of our favorite shrines willy-nilly – but not because we don’t want others to bask in their strange beauty. We feel that the owners of these pieces of divine garden art would be quite unhappy if hordes of gawkers suddenly started appearing in their yard, taking pictures and asking to use their bathroom. This is especially true for those who continue to prominently display hostile black and white signage from a long-ago and futile gubernatorial competition.
I think what challenges our sensibilities the most about this “yard art” is the fact that we were shopping for claw-foot tubs at salvage yards in Berkeley just three scant years ago – and finding chipped, stained, work- intensive tubs with price tags in excess of $700. And surprise! Here are these clever Vermonters upending them in their yard, painting the inside pink or blue and providing the Blessed Virgin with a little tub house.
While most tub shrines are decorated in the minimalist style, I can’t help feeling that Mary might appreciate some color and diversity in her life. If you are considering a tub shrine with a fresh, new look, consider the following possibilities:
- For you circuit-party fans, how about a “Disco Mary” complete with mirror ball?
- Country-charm fans might appreciate “Country Mary” with the inside of the tub paneled in barn wood and the exterior stenciled with cunning geese with bows or clever, happily hopping bunnies (or tarantulas, Philip suggests).
- “Tiki Mary” might appeal to the cocktail set. Complete with sand on the floor, tiki torches, and a bamboo bar behind Mary, one could employ a set of inexpensive outdoor speakers to play Frank Sinatra and Lavay Smith to entertain worshippers.
- With the addition of a varnished Bloomies bag and a Rockefeller Center backdrop, “Fifth Avenue Mary” could distinguish your garden above those Lillian Vernon catalog-shoppers next door – they of the spinning plastic geese and disturbing cornshuck-dollies.
- And why should the Christians have all the fun? Why not a bathtub Buddha, Guru Singh or Ganesh? Fun-loving atheists might employ a second-hand Barbie styling head. You can change the hair, accessories and make up seasonally – or even daily. Talk about making other, more “static” shrine keepers green with envy!
I am also struck by the popularity of that English-born phenomenon – yard gnomes. Highly favored amongst Vermonters who believe that gardening begins and ends with a ring of hostas surrounding a maple tree or two, these little fellas offer another creative backdrop for discriminating gardeners.
You can express your own gnome-sensibilities in any manner you choose:
- A ring of tool-bearing, leather-clad “Drummer-gnomes” surrounding a smiling gnome in a sling (which might cleverly be modified to act as a bird-feeder!) will absolutely distinguish your garden and your personal style from your neighbors’!
- Some beads, rhinestones, and feathers judiciously applied to these little gnomes and gnomettes could make your garden a Mardi Gras every day of the year.
- If you are amongst those who employ an outdoor fire-pit or in-ground barbecue, a ring of hooded and robed gnomes surrounding a bound gnome on a metal pole in the center of the pit will definitely provide you with a conversational ice-breaker for those summer evening wienie roasts.
And finally, if you are adventurous to the extreme, you might even surround your bathtub Virgin Mary shrine with the clever fellows. Here’s where your own personal creativity comes into play! Are the little gnomes tending Mary’s garden? Are they clad in black leather and faux-leopard as Tiki Mary’s own lounge lizards? Or might they be suspended on fishing line from neighboring tree branches to dramatically enact the coming rapture? The possibilities are absolutely endless.
The bottom line is this – whatever your personal style may be, have fun with your garden. After all, it’s an exterior expression of your individuality. And if the neighbors fail to understand, just smile knowingly, pour yourself another cocktail and crank up the lounge music. Happy Spring, everyone!
Brian Tymon lives (with his partner) to decorate an old farmhouse in Bakersfield.