Views
I Was A Gay High School Student
Be Proud. Be Happy. Be Nice.
Be Proud. Be Happy. Be Nice.
by Philip Bender
Gentle readers: First, here’s a news flash: The people that you encounter in your every day life are paying less attention to being polite and casual social exchanges are becoming less civilized. Anyone who has ever grocery-shopped at the now defunct Grand Union and waited for a smile and thank you from the cashier knows exactly what I am talking about (the bankruptcy story was a front – they were obviously too rude to survive).
Bet that news caught you by surprise, huh?
Rudeness and uncivil behaviors bombard us in all of our daily activities. It can be emotionally, physically and spiritually debilitating to deal unceasingly with the unrefined and careless individuals we encounter.
But what really shocks me – on occasion, nearly into a bronchial seizure of Victorian proportions – is how rude and uncivilized we can be to those within our own community!
Okay – sociology lesson number one: for a group to survive and evolve into positions of power, the group must support each other and work together towards a common goal.
Have we, as a minority segment of the Vermont, American and World population, reached such lofty heights that we can now eschew being nice to each other? Can we dish our host’s or hostess’s unfortunate selection of hors d’ oeuvres paired with wine-in-a-box to perfect strangers with reckless abandon? Can we trash people that we don’t even know because of where they came from or how they express their identity ... and expect our community to continue to grow and prosper?
No way, my little prom princes and princesses.
People tend to flinch and moan when manners, civility and etiquette are discussed publicly and without shame. It really is NOT about how many forks you should set out for dinner nor is it a matter of whether you can wear black satin or voile if you’re in mourning...
...and if you don’t know the answers to those two items, we won’t take away your gay card – we only do that if you’re a gay man who doesn’t know who Isabella Rosselini is or where to find the nearest Lancome counter.
We actually knew some guys from Spokane who did NOT know and had to surrender their cards on the spot. But I digress ...
It seems that we would all benefit from a re-examination of how we treat others and compare that with how we would like others to treat us. It’s no good being uptight about whether everyone you meet will immediately find you fascinating and indispensable at cocktail parties. Nor is it really worth your time to strive unceasingly to reach the apex of the social ladder at the expense of others, assuming that you will achieve a goddess-like aura by mere dint of your social prowess (especially if you live in a region where it’s a relatively short climb to the top). Start simply.
For example, when you and/or your significant other attend a social gathering, be sure to greet everyone and introduce yourself. There is no simpler way to start the evening off graciously for everyone involved than to offer them a simple, welcoming gesture – especially if they are new to the group. Many of our public social gatherings are designed to provide a place for new members of our community to integrate themselves socially. Please don’t fall into old patterns of hiding out in the same old “click” and pulling the Greta Garbo “I vant to be alone” routine. And for heaven’s sake, don’t play “dibs” or “saves” with the seating, food items or the other guests. That is so-o middle school.
Remember that good manners cost nothing – and they obligate you to nothing beyond the initial exchange. Offering a smile and a simple “good evening” doesn’t mean that you must be friends for life.
Once you have joined a conversation, do yourself – and the rest of us – a huge favor. Please don’t fall into the old trap of assuming that you are the most witty, gifted and interesting conversationalist at a gathering – you will often be sorely disappointed (not to mention seriously confused when your invitations to such events begin to drop off). The best guest joins in the conversation and is interested in what others have to say. If you are unsure about whether or not you should dominate the conversation, take this mental test:
Are there programs at the event with your name printed on them? Did someone write you a check to be there? Okay – you are definitely NOT the main speaker of the evening.
Now – gossip. Here’s a favorite recreational pastime that we all enjoy. Apparently, in suggesting that we eschew gossip, I might as well ask that we stop breathing for a few hours during any given social event. At two recent, informal dinner gatherings, aggressive attempts were made to draw me into scandalous discussions of the shortcomings and nocturnal antics of someone I didn’t even know – by people I had just been introduced to! Before dessert had even arrived! How twisted is that?! Mama said it best – if you can’t say anything nice ... “Ow! Mom! Stop smacking me!”
Can we talk about sex? More accurately, can we please NOT talk about YOUR sex? Similarly, can we please not witness the public display of your ardor and passion for each other when we are trying to enjoy our crème bruleè? It’s really embarrassing to be present for these live sex shows (not to mention aesthetically disturbing in many cases) while I’m trying to enjoy my cappucino. I swear, I have met more people who, upon meeting me for the very first time, are suddenly telling me about their extramarital flings, their favorite pornographic web sites and their overwhelming passion for construction workers, foot-fetishists, fresh fruit – you name it. And having to watch a live exhibition of tongue-wrestling over dinner is even less appealing – I don’t care how attractive you are.
Far from being a prude, I think that sex – as well as religion, politics and other lively, philosophical topics – can be discussed frankly among close, personal friends. The key, though, is to 1) be sure you are not seated among 20 perfect strangers and, 2) wait until you are asked. Once again, take your mental test to determine whether a group of strangers or mere acquaintances is paying you to present a program about your latest cyber-adventures on HotWetDudesLive.com. If not, perhaps they don’t want to hear about it.
My wise and occasionally-and-frighteningly-deep friend Gary summed it up recently when he told me that he and his partner were lucky enough to know many different people, from many different walks of life – each of whom possessed a unique character, taste and personality. He told me that life would be pretty boring if all of their friends were the same.
He’s right.
Since relocating to Vermont, my partner and I have met so many wonderful people from Vermont and elsewhere. We all enjoy each other’s time and friendship immensely, even though – being human – we may possess our own little faults, quirks or personal failings. But when you rise above judging, commenting or acting from some self-superior plane, you can enjoy each other’s company, friendship and hospitality, and get to know some interesting and worthwhile people.
In closing, I would like to share with you one of the simplest and most eloquent responses of simple civility that I have ever heard. In a letter to Miss Manners (Judith Martin), an overly stressed and unduly concerned gentle reader asked, “What should I say to a homosexual couple when I encounter them on the street?”
Miss Manners’ reply: “How about ‘hello’?
Philip Bender lives with his partner in Franklin County and socializes from Quebec to New York City and points beyond.