Views
Greetings
Reflections of a Justice of the Peace
Greetings
by Sally Sheklow
Did you know Hallmark is adding a line of gay greeting cards? According to not one single major newspaper headline, we have good ol’ PFLAG to thank for persuading the corporate giant to do the right thing. Yes, Hallmark, the feel-good company, opted out of having their kneecaps broken by our burly moms and dads, and finally agreed to include us in their product mix.
And none too soon!
What I wouldn’t have given for a coming out card – Keith Haring’s famous closet art on the cover, of course – to break the news to my folks. I think a lot of babydykes would gladly forego the sweaty-palmed confrontation for the instant recognition and understanding a Hallmark card could bring. Grateful parents would be spared the embarrassment of ever having to wrap their lips around the L-word and instead simply announce to friends and relatives, “I got The Card.” A few hugs, bittersweet tears and violin music – now there’s a Hallmark commercial!
What about some cards savvy parents can buy for their clueless kids? Psssst, Honey, You’re a Bulldagger. In my case, parental denial cards would have been popular – my folks would have swooped up boatloads of It’s Just a Phase cards. Hallmark should direct their marketing to the cool parents, the ones who will purchase special occasion greetings like We’re So Glad You Came Out To Us, Mazel Tov on Bringing Your First Lover Home – She’s Adorable, and one with a little pouch inside: Here’s a Contribution to Help Defeat That Nasty Anti-Gay Candidate / Initiative. Hallmark can also make the perfect card for parents coming out to give their kids – She’s Not Really Your Auntie – parents coming out to each other – The ÎOther Man’ is a Woman – and for ex-husbands to give their gay divorcees: Here’s Your Child Support, Happy LGBTQ Pride Day!
Oh yeah, Hallmark’s profits will soar. Queer greeting card sections will spring up in supermarkets across the land. They’ll stretch from the 50-pound dog chow all the way back to the yogurt case. Droves of us will crowd the aisles to pore over the new Hallmark line, inspiring some young corporate exec to earn a sweet bonus for suggesting the addition of a Saw You in the Card Aisle card. Let’s make that one have pop-up nipples.
I hope Hallmark creates special editions just for Sweetie and me, along with tens of thousands of our nearest and dearest, to celebrate our anniversaries of being married by Reverend Troy Perry at a March-on-Washington Wedding. Come to think of it, some friendly To My Ex cards would be nice, too.
We can expect racks and racks of cards to acknowledge our myriad anniversaries. Sweetie and I alone are going to need cards to celebrate the anniversary of our first exchange of rings, commitment ceremony, civil union, domestic partner registry signing, and a special embossed flowery one for the day we finally got our butts down to the lawyer’s office and signed our durable powers of attorney. We’ll need cards for the anniversaries of when we first met, our first date, first dance, first kiss, the first time we did it, and when we moved in together (obviously, some dykes can economize here with an all-in-one card.)
The first night Sweetie and I did it, neither of us actually slept. That could account for why I’m going to need a card celebrating the anniversary of my first car wreck caused by sleep deprivation, combined with driving while having her on my mind (and face, and fingers.) Hallmark will have to come up with cards for all our other sleeping together firsts: the first night I wore my wrist braces, mouth guard, and ear plugs, not to mention that fine romantic evening she first climbed into bed sporting a nose strip. Oh, baby!
I guess there’s no escaping the hard cold truth that we’ll need our own condolence card section too. In addition to the standard losses we’ll have our own Sorry to Hear You Got Seasick on the Olivia Cruise, Sorry You Didn’t Win the Softball Game, and Sorry I Burned Out Your Vibrator While You Were Gone cards.
My life is going to get a lot easier. I won’t have to draw in breasts or white out the Mr. and Mrs. to put in Ms. and Ms. on wedding cards anymore. I can skip over those What Is a Sister? cards that remind me of my homophobic sibling and bring home a just-as-sappy What Is a Girlfriend? card to my lover-companion-wife-partner-girlfriend who adores me as I am. That is going to feel great.
Next time I see the PFLAG float in a pride parade I won’t just stand there weeping openly like I usually do. I’m going to hand them a great big Thank You for Taking on Corporate Heterosexism card!
Sally Sheklow is a writer who lives in Eugene, Oregon. Write her at sally@wymprov.com