ABoy and His Two Dads

     LeviNelson-Miles, a sturdy blond boy, came to John and Keith two years ago.He was six years old, stood 51 inches tall, and weighed 72 pounds, Daddy(John) recites. Papa (Keith) chimes in with updated statistics: 55 1/2inches tall, 100 pounds. Levi says that the first thing he liked abouthis two dads was that they were fun. They had a choo-choo train thatdidn’t work. Asked what he remembers about his foster family, hesays, “They beat me.”
      We’re sitting at the kitchen table in theirmodest hillside bungalow home in Barre. The yard and driveway are beingreconstructed to reduce the slope. Levi has a small ‘livingroom’ of his own and his own bedroom, which he shows off, hastilygrabbing for a few laundry items on the floor. The TV is in the grown-upliving room, and his viewing is limited by his dads.
      Papa (Keith) is the stricter of the two, Levisays, pointing across the kitchen table. And there are plenty of rulesin this family: “No playing ball in the house. I have to make mybed and vacuum. I sort my clothes for the laundry...” Daddy (John)chimes in, “And every day he packs his own lunch.” He’sbeen good this week, so he gets pizza for the next day’slunch.
      Keith goes looking forLevi’s report card, which shows considerable progress, both in the“grades” (1 to 4, with 4 indicating “consistently exceedsrequirements”) and in the teacher’s comments.
      When John gently confronts Levi for making upbogus answers to some of my questions – out of a kind of shyness,and a sense of playing a game, John says – he reminds Levi aboutbeing honest and sends him off for a brief time out in hisroom.
      John, an instructional assistantand the more talkative of the two dads, and Keith, a CAD draftsman, havebeen together for 5 years. They celebrated their civil union in May,2001. Keith brings out six “memory books” of photos, onededicated to their civil union, the rest filled with pictures of friendsand family, mostly as they interact with Levi.
      John and Keith knew they wanted children As Johnsays, “We have a good home, good jobs, and a pretty structuredlife. We were ready for a child.”
      John continues, “We looked at a photo ofLevi, and I already knew this was our child. He’s had a toughlittle life – he had to leave his foster home and was in a respitehome. We both went and read his file. We knew some of what toexpect.
      “When it was Keith and I,everything was about us. When Levi came, our lives changed – itwasn’t about us any more – it was all aboutLevi.”
      When the two menwent to meet Levi at his respite care home, “he just ran around theroom, waving his arms and making funny noises,” John recalls.“We weren’t sure what was going on. [The caregiver] said,‘I think he’s very excited,’ and I knew this was ourchild. We called that night to tell him goodnight. The next day he spentthe night, and the next weekend, he came for a weekend visit. And it wasall about what Levi was ready for.”
      Keith adds, “I don’t regret gettingLevi at all – and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve everdone in my life.” Levi has needed a lot of structure andconsistency to channel his energy in positive directions, Keithexplains. “I handed off a lot of that to John, and he gave up hissocial work career to be there for Levi. He took a job as aninstructional assistant so he could have summers off withLevi.”
      John: “Weweren’t adopting this boy so we could have him be in daycare. Whenwe adopted him, SRS offered us respite care and we said no thanks. Leviwas with one foster family since he was two, for three years, and thenthey said they wanted him gone by a certain time and a line was drawn inthe sand. So his ‘family’ was always in question. I told[SRS], ‘My family never got rid of me when they were tired, sowe’re not doing that to Levi, either.’ When we go shopping oranywhere else, Levi comes too.
     “Imiss doing my social work, but you know what? I love looking out thatwindow and watching him go down the street on his bike!”
      Keith: “Our lives changed. Wedon’t go to the bar any more, but the bar was not really one of ourfavorite places anyway. It does change you. Before Levi, I’d go outand spend $60 on a pair of jeans, $40 on a shirt. I always had to havenew things. I thought I needed a new car every other year. Now I wearold clothes and drive older cars. It’s worth it to be able toprovide for Levi.”
      John: “Wemade a choice when we decided to create a family that the bar was notpart of that. Having Levi – or having any child, adopted or not– aligns your priorities differently.”

“A Child,A Challenge, A Chance”

     That’s the motto of the ProjectFamily website, which is clear that these kids need another chance to bewith a family who will love them unconditionally – since theirfirst families have failed them so badly. “Adoption for thesekids,” says SRS’s Diane Dexter “is an opportunity tobreak the cycle of neglect, abuse, and abandonment. And the families whoare successful see the big picture. Gay and lesbian families have thatperspective – and often have some background of having been intherapy themselves.”
     She knowswhereof she speaks: Dexter is a single adoptive mom of twochildren.
      Wanda Audette, Director ofAdoptions at the Lund Family Center, which is partnering with SRS onProject Family, agrees with that assessment. “We’ve had greatexperiences with gay and lesbian adoptive families. They are often morewilling to take on the challenge because they’ve already been upagainst a challenge.”
     Therequirements for becoming an adoptive parent are not as strenuous as youmight think. Dexter listed a few: no criminal history, no complaints ofdomestic violence or issues of abuse or neglect or abandonment in familycourt, no pattern of motor vehicle violations (especially DUI). There isno need for a parent to be a stay-at-home, and having other kids isusually fine, too. There needs to be a working phone, but indoorplumbing is not required.
     SRSrequires that the child’s room be of a certain size and have atleast one window of a certain size, and be equipped with a working smokealarm.
      The process is not simple, butthen again, with a child’s life and happiness at stake, itshouldn’t be. Once a single person or a couple has decided toadopt, the first step is a home study.
      The Lund Family Center conducts the home studyfor Project Family, and then keeps that document on file, Audetteexplained (a privately done home study can cost up to $800). The homestudy consists of three meetings and filling out a 15-pagequestionnaire. Documents must be collected and copies filed with theLund Center: if the potential parents are a couple, their civil unioncertificate (marriage license for straight folks); a singleparent’s designation of a legal guardian for the child in case theadoptive parent is incapacitated; letters of reference. Fingerprintswill be taken for background investigation through criminaldatabases.
      Potential parentsbegin to learn in these meetings about who the children are and whatneeds they have, while the social workers are finding out who thepotential parents are and what their experience is in their current andpast family relationships. Not least among the questions is “Whatwill the child call you and your partner? And can you adjust to callingyour partner by that name?”
      Through this process, the social worker begins toget a sense of which child might be a good fit for these parents.Audette admits that some kids say they never want to be adopted at all;others are hesitant about being adopted by a lesbian or gay couple.“But,” Dexter agreed, “that’s usually a fear thatsome role will go unfilled, not knowing who will cook and who will playcatch. Mostly they want to know, ‘Am I gonna be safe and will theylike me?’”
      Audette relatedother reactions: “Some say, ‘Aren’t I lucky, I never hada dad, and now I have two.’ Some kids are so damaged [by males intheir previous families] that two moms feel safe.”
      Once all that is completed, the Lund Centerestablishes a placement-transition plan, where the child and the newfamily spend time together, beginning with overnights and weekendvisits. The new parents compile a “Welcome Home Book” withpictures of the child’s new home, the school, theneighborhood.
      There’s apre-adoption trial period that typically lasts six months. Some kids maybe on their best behavior until after the adoption is finalized and theyfeel safe, Audette said, while others may test their new families rightaway.
      “The important thing,”said Audette, “is to be able to say and show ‘We love you, butwe don’t like your behavior.’” Audette also knows whereofshe speaks as the mother of three daughters, two adopted and onebiological.
      When the adoptionis finalized, everyone celebrates. The Nelson-Miles family will becelebrating their first anniversary as Levi’s forever familysoon.
      “The key to success,”said Dexter, “is for the families or the individual adopting to bereally honest – ‘is this working for me?’ These kids comewith baggage, and so do we. And sometimes the kids can trigger ourbaggage.”

Expect the Unexpected

     John and Keith offer their experience asadvice to prospective adoptive parents. Keith says, “You reallyneed to be out at work. I sat down with my boss and told him I was in agay relationship and we were adopting a child, and asked did he have aproblem with that. There was no problem. So now, if John has to work andLevi is sick, I can stay home with him, or I can go on a class fieldtrip just like any other parent.”
     “Read as much of the files as you can get yourhands on before you even meet the child,” says John –especially any medical history of the child’s family of origin.Before the adoption, you have a chance to ask these questions, andafterward you might not.
      Decide ahead oftime, before you even meet a child, what you want the child to call you,says Keith. “We had to switch [from our names] to ‘Daddy’and ‘Papa,’ and that was a little hard to always remember tocall John ‘Daddy.’” The switch solidifies the idea offamily and the role of each family member, agrees WandaAudette.
      John advises parents to keep ajournal so that they can identify patterns of behavior and find the keysto solving their significance. The journal they kept helped them figureout why Levi had bathroom accidents each time they went to Mainetogether: the route passes the foster home where Levi was traumatized.Also, says John, “You need to let these kids go through that andtalk about their families or their foster families. Levi hasn’tmentioned his foster family’s name in about ayear.”
      Both men heapedhigh praise on a book, saying all parents – and especially adoptiveparents whose kids may arrive with “attachment problems” (aninability to trust or bond with others) – should read it:Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply TroubledChildren by Dr. Daniel Hughes. “I was amazed,” says Keith,“at how much in there related to us and Levi.”
      Another Levi story: Levi and his two dads go totherapy. One week, John and Keith were in another room when Levi cameout into the waiting room, where another family had settled before theirappointment. Levi looked around, and not seeing his dads, went into thebathroom and curled up into a fetal position crying: he thought John andKeith had left him there. John says that he knew at that point that thethree of them were bonding just fine as a family.
      Keith also suggests getting extended familiesinvolved as much as possible. John adds, “Show affection to eachother in front of your child and your extended family – whatever isnormal for your relationship.”
      John’s family, who live in Maine, have allworked on making Levi a part of the family at holidays and other times,too. After Levi came into the family, honorary family members – oldfriends who were called “Uncle” and “Aunt” –had to give up those titles temporarily so that Levi could have clearfamily boundaries and know who among all these new people were reallyhis aunts and uncles. Keith’s family is also verysupportive.
      Whateveractivities or hobbies or interests you have before the adoption, Johnsays, keep them going – or re-activate them after taking a break– after the adoption. “It is healthy for your child to see youdoing outside activities, socializing with people outside the family,having something of your own to do.”
      He ruefully adds that it’s important toprioritize your relationship with your partner, too. A newly adoptedchild can take all the attention, to the detriment of the adultrelationship. After everyone has settled in, remember why you’re inthe relationship, and make grown-up dates.
      And don’t let the fear of what mighthappen rule your life, says John. Keith confirms that, recalling thattheir home study took place during the Take Back Vermont backlash. Thenhe tells a post-adoption story: “One day, John had been toLevi’s class reading with them, and then I was there on a fieldtrip. One kid said, ‘Hey, you look different today.’ I know welook sort of similar. I said ‘I am different, and I’mLevi’s other dad.’ One of the mothers overheard me and spentthe rest of the day glaring in my direction.”
      “You have to decide not to react but to actpositively. It’s not about me any more, it’s about what’sbest for this child. I by no means am ashamed of who I am,” Johnconcludes.
      “Don’tdisagree on rules or consequences in front of your child,” advisesJohn. “Even if you don’t agree, let it go. I told Levi’steacher, ‘What ever you need to do to make your day successful withLevi, you do it. Even if I disagree, we’ll work that outlater.’”
      Lund’s WandaAudette said, “It’s okay to tell a kid, ‘I’m sorry.I overreacted. I messed up this time.’” And, she added,it’s important to lay down ground rules from the beginning and toenforce them consistently – and not to make exceptions in the“honeymoon” period. “If bedtime is 8:00, and follows abath and a book, then it should be 8:00 with a bath and a book on thefirst night.”
      John recommends,“Let in the compliments from friends and family about yourparenting. When you’re having a hard day, those are little gems youcan bring back to brighten things up a bit.” He and Keith tell thestory of lesbian friends who complimented them on their work with Levi– they saw a lot of progress. Last year, the women said, he waswild, stir-crazy, almost impossible to settle down. And this year theycould see him able to sit with everyone at a table and play games and besociable.
      When difficult and unexpectedthings happen, says John, “step back, and ask yourself, ‘Is itreally that bad?’ In the larger scheme of things, when the day isdone, it’s just another day.”

John and Keithare willing to correspond by email with anyone from our communitiesabout adoption. Please send your emails to OITM, put “Dads” onthe subject line, and we’ll forward them: editor@mountainpridemedia.org.