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Legacy of Love
Legacy of Love
by Lynn Martin
A few months ago, I attended a group for adoptive parents. It seemed a strange thing for me to do. True, I had adopted my first-born son. He was 6 months old. He is Filipino-American, dark eyed and gorgeous. True, eight months later, my second son arrived by birth. True, when the boys were 6 and 8 years old, I adopted my daughter. She was six months old and African-American. But they are now grown and flown. At the meeting, I found myself surrounded by parents of toddlers. Why was I there?
A short time ago, at a conference, I met a new grandmother from Indiana. Her daughter was lesbian and lived with a woman. Her daughter had given birth to a baby boy who was now only a few months old. Talking to this woman, I was struck first by her love and acceptance of her daughter's choices, and secondly, by her anxieties for her grandson.
She longed to protect this child from disrespectful, non-understanding people. The feelings were so like my feelings when I first met my oldest son. I remember trying to affix a hex sign to the door to “keep demons away.” I agonized about a white mother’s ability to protect him from hurt. Today, I realize I hadn’t protected any of my children. The world is a hurting place.
What I did, I told this new grandmother, was love them. I believe they are strong because of this love. Without love, I am sure they would have suffered even greater harm. My three children are not perfect, but they are sensitive, caring adults. And I have no regrets about adopting them. It was a wonderful family to raise. Sure we fought our battles with racism, sexism, all those isms. It brought us closer. No matter where they chose to live in this country, these issues would have been a part of their lives.
Your daughter and grandson are fortunate, I said to the woman, to have you for a mother and grandmother. I can tell you really love them. A week later I received a letter. It said, “The dear little one is doing very well, as are his two Moms. I didn’t expect to feel so protective as a grandmother. I felt so understood by you. Thanks so much.”
That’s why I attended the Adoptive Parents group. I wanted to say, Yes, there will be problems. Yes, some of the problems will be because the child is from another culture, whether it be Korea or a gay community. But most of the problems will be those that children, no matter how they enter a family, will have: Who am I? Who are my family and friends? What do I need to know to live?
To face life as a loved child does make a difference. We all long to protect our children. We can’t. We can only wrap them in love, give them the knowledge we have, and pray.
Lynn Martin is a poet, AIDS educator, and writer who lives in Brattleboro.