Views
Coming Out, Part Two
Coming Out, Part Two
by Brad Shutzberg
In August I accepted a job that would bring me back to my adolescent house of horrors – middle school. This time, however, I would return as a confident, gay teacher at a central Vermont school, rather than the scared, closeted student at Carson Middle School. I wondered if anything had changed in the fifteen years since my awkward moments of staring at the floor in the boys’ locker room and dancing with a pseudo-girlfriend to Bon Jovi ballads.
I had decided early on in the school year that my sexual orientation was not relevant to my role as an eighth-grade math and science teacher. I would, however, be certain not to use heterosexist language, and my room would be free of harassment of any kind. I would not lie about my personal life, but I would not be overly forthcoming either. Being single, I would not have to introduce my students and parents to “a good friend of mine” at the supermarket or other places where I would see them.
But now, as the end of the school year approaches, I am struggling with the decision whether or not to tell my students that I am gay. Harassment based on perceived sexual orientation is a problem in our school. I believe most of my students think they don’t know anyone who is a member of LGBT community. I feel that I have a good relationship with my students, and that it would be a good lesson for them to learn that someone they know and respect is gay. Students who are questioning their sexuality might feel better about themselves; those who are not might stop making anti-gay jokes or even consider becoming an ally.
A few nights ago, I began to write the following letter. I have a month left to decide if I will give it to my students. I believe a speech might be a better way to out myself, but in either case, the letter contains most of the things I would like to say to them.
“Dear Students,
“For the past nine months, I have had the pleasure of teaching you math and science. Many of you have welcomed me into your lives. Some of you feel comfortable telling me a lot about yourself, both good and bad. I have met a number of your families. Whether you know it or not, you have allowed me to become very attached to all of you. For the rest of my life, I will worry and hope and wish nothing but the best for all of you.
You have also been welcomed into my life. You were all worried the day I was in the emergency room early in the year. You embarrassed me by singing “Happy Birthday” to me in the cafeteria. You seemed to be saddened when learning that I would not be returning to teach at our school next year.
I believe after spending nine months with me, most of you have decided what you think about me as both a teacher and a person. I would ask that you not change your opinion when I tell you something about myself that you have been unaware of throughout the school year. I am gay.
“Based on what I hear in the hallways, I am a little nervous about telling you that I am gay. But at the same time, I am hopeful that you will realize that I have been gay all year, and that nothing about me has changed. Now you just know a little bit more about me.
“You are probably thinking to yourself, ‘Why are you telling us this, Mr. Shutzberg?’ Every time one of you asks if I am dating Ms. Kane, Ms. Leona, or Ms. Monaghan, I usually tell you not to make assumptions about people and then point to the sign I have in my room that reads: ‘My personal life is neither interesting nor your business.’ Sadly, my personal life has not been that interesting this year (teaching all of you takes a lot of time and preparation), and my personal life really is not your business.
“However, there are reasons why I feel telling you that I am gay is something you should know. There is a problem in our school – I hear a lot of anti-gay language and harassment. When I have spoken with you about these words and anti-gay harassment, a number of you say they are just words. I disagree.
“During the year, you have asked what I was like when I was your age. I have always responded that I was a straight-A student who respected and listened to his teachers. I have failed to mention that I was made fun of because the other kids thought I was gay. The anti-gay insults and jokes I heard made me feel ashamed of myself. The effects of the words I heard lasted well beyond my years in school.
“A number of you also say that there are no gay people at school, so no one is being hurt when anti-gay jokes and comments are made. I would respond that someone who is gay looks like everyone else, and you might be hurting someone without knowing it. People have gay parents, gay relatives, and gay friends – they are also hurt by anti-gay comments. Some people might not know anyone who is gay, but they may believe that anti-gay comments are wrong.
“The next time you hear an anti-gay joke or the phraseÎthat’s so gay,’ I would like you to think about how that affects me. You now know someone who is hurt by such language. I also ask you to think about the fact that I have been your gay math and science teacher all year long – has it really mattered?”
Brad Andrew Shutzberg lives in Montpelier. He is the author of Still a Steelers Fan: A Gay Son’s Book for His Parents.