Tongue in Cheek
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Tongue in Cheek A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Altar |
by Kevin Isom
Can
anyone else actually have anything to say on gay marriage? After the Governator
of Calleee-For-Neee-Aaaah, Arnold Schwarzenegger, uttered the immortal
words, "I think gay marriage is something that should be between
a man and a woman"?
Yes, I can. I've said it before, and I'll say
it again: I'm for gay marriage. I say do it for the gifts.
It amazes me the level of interest there
now is in a topic that, until the Massachusetts Supreme Court's decision,
wasn't on anybody's radar screen. Aside, that is, from a dissenting opinion
on the U.S. Supreme Court's Texas sodomy decision that warned, "The
sky is falling, the sky is falling!" Or, as the Justice actually
put it, that
the Texas decision might lead, egads, to the legalization of gay marriage.
Now we've got all kinds of so-called conservatives,
ranging from the thoughtful to the wacko, opposing an idea that would
lead to —
what? — greater social stability among gay families. This from the
folks who supposedly wish to encourage families to stay together. That's
part of what conservativism is about, after all.
There are other yokels who suggest that
marriage has been the bedrock of civilization, when in fact marriage as
we now know it is a relatively recent social and legal construct. It wasn't
all that many thousands of years ago since Nog grabbed Ursula by the hair,
pulled her off to his campfire, and started a family that way.
There are other idiots recently escaped
from their villages who don't notice that marriage is being desecrated
continually by the likes of Trista and Ryan, the hot entertainment couple
du jour whose sole claim to fame is that they "fell in love"
in six weeks on a show and keep appearing everywhere in blissful poses.
(This, after poor Trista had fallen in love with the first Bachelor, Alex
Michel, and was devastated when he didn't pick her at the end of that
show.)
You cannot tell me that throwaway TV marriages
don't do more damage to the institution than Bill and Doug could do by
exchanging vows before they enter their nursing home. You see, Bill and
Doug are a couple I interviewed several years back about life in the 1950s
- a couple who this year celebrated their 50th anniversary together. When
they realized they couldn't get an assisted living apartment together
because they were neither married nor related by blood, as the rules required,
they had to seek an exception to the rule. Yet allowing these two to marry
would, according to the anti-gay marriage wackos do more damage than all
the TV brides and grooms
in the world. Go figure.
Meanwhile, some gay folks are questioning
whether gays and lesbians really should want civil marriage rights. They
note that there are gay couples who are, egads, not monogamous, so marriage
really wouldn't be a reflection of their reality. It would be a case of
fitting round pins into, well, many, many square holes.
But let's think about this. Didn't President
John F. Kennedy boink every intern and starlet that came his way —
all the while married to (the beautiful and sublime) Jackie? And didn't
Jackie get inheritance rights as a widow? Didn't the kids go to her as
Mom upon Dad's death without any legal question? Why shouldn't gay folks
have just as much legal benefit, whether or not they take the one-person-for-life
route or the Elizabeth Taylor-Newt Gingrich-Bob Dole how-many-can-we-marry-in-one-lifetime
scenic detour?
Others among us gay folks suggest that maybe
we should settle for civil union (which just might happen in Massachusetts,
unfortunately) and not push for the whole civil marriage enchilada. I
don't understand that approach. If something is the right thing to do,
it's the right thing to do. Period. I've never considered myself second-class
to anyone, and I don't intend to start now. Besides, I never skimp when
I'm ordering enchiladas.
So however the gay marriage fracas turns
out — and I believe it will ultimately turn in our favor, because
I can sense the weight of history pushing in our direction — I'm
looking forward to one thing.
The gifts.
Kevin Isom is the author of It Only Hurts When I Polka and Tongue in Cheek and Other Places, available at bookstores and online. He may be reached at isomonline@aol.com or www.KevinIsom.com.