Tongue in Cheek
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Tongue in Cheek Divorced from Reality |
by Kevin Isom
I'm
feeling a bit divorced from reality at the moment. On the one hand, we've
got all these unexpected good things happening in the realm of legalizing
gay marriage. And on the other hand (the one I call the "shame on
you" hand), we've got a lot of absurdities in the same realm that,
if they weren't so ugly, would just be downright funny.
On the up side, mayors in San Francisco
and New Paltz, New York were marrying gay folks despite the state laws
against it. What's really interesting is what actually followed those
courageous actions of a California Democrat and a 26-year-old Green Party
member: The Democratic attorney general of New York, though he ordered
New Paltz to stop the marriages, went on record as being for gay marriage.
(John Kerry, take note!) The Democratic mayor of Chicago, about as far
as you can get from the liberal wing of the Democratic Party (conservative
commentator George Will noted that Mayor Daley is "about as radical
as a grilled cheese sandwich"), mentioned that he would have "no
problem" if Cook County (where Chicago is located) started issuing
marriage licenses.
Meanwhile, a Republican county clerk
in New Mexico began issuing marriage licenses, before she was summarily
stopped. Even the mayor of New York City and the Governator of California
- both Republicans - have said, in the case of the former, that gays deserve
the rights of marriage through civil unions and, in the case of the latter,
that he would not object to civil unions for gays. This is pretty heady
stuff, when the nation's middle - both Republican and Democrat - essentially
agree that gays should have the same rights that straight couples enjoy
in marriage.
About the same time, the city of Portland,
Oregon, started issuing marriage licenses to gay couples, and gay couples
themselves are showing up in county clerks' offices around the country
to demand the right to be married, even if they're being turned down for
those licenses by surprised or even sympathetic clerks.
It's dizzying to try to keep up with
it all.
Of course, the other side of the coin
is the more tarnished one. In Georgia, there's a fierce battle raging
over whether to pass an amendment to the Georgia constitution banning
gay marriage (this in a state where education is ranked nearly last in
the nation, and the Republican state school superintendent recently started
a firestorm of controversy when she decided to replace the word "evolution"
in school textbooks with "biological changes over time," apparently
so as not to offend her constituents, all of whom must have been extras
in the movie Deliverance - but I digress). The state senator who introduced
the amendment is - get this - once divorced, so you have to wonder which
of his marriages he’s looking to protect from the gay barbarians
at the gate.
After reading a quote from State Senator
Mike Crotts, a sponsor of the Georgia amendment, that, "If we're
not successful in passing this one, then I think... we're one judge away
from having same-sex marriage imposed on us," a tongue-in-cheek straight
male writer to the local newspaper asked (paraphrasing slightly), "Will
I be forced to marry a man? Do I get to pick which man? Could I be forced
to marry Senator Crotts? Does the marriage have to be an expensive affair?
Do I have to pay for the wedding planner? What happens to my wife?"
Meanwhile, on a national level, we've
learned a new twist on an old reality: there's just nothing worse than
when good Bush goes bad. President Bush is pushing, doubtless as a wedge
issue in the November election, an amendment to the U.S. Constitution
that would ban gay marriage. The man's got chutzpah. Even slavery was
never codified.
But Bush wants to protect traditional
marriage. And I don't suppose that pointing out that "traditional
marriage," from a Biblical perspective, also included polygamy (King
Solomon alone had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines - Laura,
watch out!), a requirement that if one brother dies then the other brother
must marry the widow (even if the living brother already has a wife -
again, Laura, watch out - Jeb's pretty scary), and even punishment by
death for adultery (Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich - watch out!).
Just because I'm an even-handed kinda
guy, I thought I might help Bush out with a slogan or two that he could
use in his fight to protect the sanctity of marriage. How about: "Silly
gays - adultery is for straights!" Or maybe, taking a cue from Nancy
Reagan's anti-drug campaign, "Just say 'no' to premarital sex - heck,
just say no to marriage and have all the sex you want! (And make Bill
Clinton really envious!)" No, that's probably too long. Most of the
anti-gay marriage folks have trouble with sentences longer than "God
hates fags." Or perhaps, "Civil unions - I can't believe it's
not marriage!"
Interestingly, there was a little-recalled
amendment proposed to the U.S. Constitution back in 1912, an amendment
to prohibit marriage between whites and persons of color. Not only did
the amendment fail and the U.S. Supreme Court eventually overturn state
laws against interracial marriage, but by 1997, 77 percent of whites approved
of marriages between blacks and whites.
As divorced from reality as I'm feeling
over the anti-gay marriage nonsense, I don't think we’ll have to
wait quite that long.
Kevin Isom is the author of It Only Hurts When I Polka and Tongue in Cheek and Other Places, available at bookstores and online. He may be reached at isomonline@aol.com or www.KevinIsom.com.