Tongue in Cheek
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Tongue in Cheek The Make Up of the Man? |
by Kevin Isom
Blame
it on the metrosexuals. First it was the evolving fashion sense. Then
it was skin care (moisturizer, and sunscreen, and exfoliants - oh, my!).
So it couldn't have been far behind. Yes, makeup for men has arrived.
Sure, it's been around in some limited fashion for years (sneaking a compact
of oil-absorbing pressed powder at the Walgreens into your shopping basket,
borrowing your girlfriend's powder brush - and never giving it back, keeping
a tube of concealer on hand for those days that your skin thinks you're
going through puberty all over again), but now, thanks in part to those
damned metrosexuals, makeup for men is going mainstream.
Now, I doubt that we'll be seeing the Fab
Five of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" suggesting makeup to
their straight makeovers any time soon. (By the way, does anybody besides
me think that Carson Kressley, of "Queer Eye," dresses just
horribly? Witty and funny he certainly is, but Clinton and Stacy of What
Not To Wear could really tell Carson, well, what not to wear. But I digress.)
Yet, maybe the Fab Five just might be doing that soon, because those in
the business of male makeup say that men ARE ready for makeup-as long
as you just don't CALL it makeup.
Case in point: British King of Shaves founder
Will King refers to his XCD (pronounced "exceed") men's cosmetics
line as "discretionary facial enhancement products," which sounds
more like a marketing line for Viagra™ ("discretionary penile
enhancement products," anyone?). In other words, it might just work.
And King sells his line of DFEP's at CVS, the ubiquitous drugstore chain,
where you can buy a tinted moisturizer (called an "improver")
and a concealer (called a "corrector").
There are plenty of other competitors in
the marketplace, too: Clinique, Menaji Skincare for Men, Kenmen (kenmen.net),
and Tout Beau Tout Propre by Jean Paul Gaultier, to name a few. Menaji's
products are purposely packaged in black - no pinks or pastels here! And
since men didn't know what a "tester" was, all the Menaji displays
read "try me" instead. It's all in the translation. Gaultier
has a double-sided concealer and eyeliner - which looks like a ballpoint
pen. Plausible deniability, it seems, is key. ("What? What do you
mean that's a cosmetic? I had no idea!") Perhaps in keeping with
that concept, Menaji designs its men's products to be more "undetectable"
than women's products. Men don't want anyone to think they’re wearing
anything - they just want people to think that they woke up looking mahvelous.
Of course, beauty has always been
only skin deep. But here's a disturbing thought: with men's makeup, beauty
could be even LESS than skin deep. That beautiful guy you've started dating
could wake up in the morning looking absolutely nothing like the hottie
you went to sleep with. This is a dilemma that I've always associated
with straight men - especially in the South, where women seem to be biologically
programmed to heap on trowels full of makeup each day (it protects them
from the sun, you know - I think the last time my mother's skin saw direct
sunlight was back in 1964). Are straight women and gay men really ready
to deal with the presto-change-o partner?
While you're pondering that dilemma, here's
another potential streak in the bronzer: has anyone thought of waterproofing?
With summer upon us, picture it: Prince Charming smiles, dives into the
pool - and leaves a trail of colored pigment floating to the surface in
his wake. He emerges, looking absolutely nothing like the man who dove
into the water.
It's pretty scary stuff.
Yet, as a moth is drawn to a flame, as middle
America is drawn to the IceCapades, so, too, I'm finding myself drawn
to the idea of "discretionary facial enhancement products."
It rolls off the tongue so seductively, so simply - so availably at CVS.
Perhaps I, too, will soon look absolutely
nothing like myself. But underneath that bronzer, that corrector, and
that improver, I'll know that it's still me. Just enhanced.
Kevin Isom is the author of It Only Hurts When I Polka and Tongue in Cheek and Other Places, available at bookstores and online. He may be reached at isomonline@aol.com or www.KevinIsom.com