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Translating into a New Life
Translating into a
New Life
by April Elizabeth
Editor’s
Note: April Elizabeth wrote a column for OITM in 2001-2002 while transitioning
from male to female. She stopped writing for us when family, work, and
health concerns left little time or energy for writing. April just “got
done” at IBM and is facing the world as an unemployed female for
the first time in her life. She sent along the following perspective on
where she is now.
I went to HR [human resources] at IBM on
a Thursday after not being able to get myself to go to work Wednesday.
I talked to the diversity rep there and told her I was burned out and
had enough. People would stare and talk before, and now I am more "developed,"
having implants, and the thought of seeing these people literally made
me sick Wednesday night.
I have no bad feelings towards IBM Corp.
They have treated me wonderful, backed me up 100 percent when I had problems
so bad I couldn't deal with it. But I had transitioned there, so I can't
really see things getting much better: after 2 years with the same people
I still get "he" a lot. I grew up with many of my co-workers,
and I work in a bunny suit: all one can see is your eyes with no make
up. I don't have Britney Spears's voice, and to them I look the same as
before all covered up. It's a stretch for anyone to work with a man for
2 years and have someone tell you, "This is April from now on, she
is a woman now."
I know they tried, most of them anyway,
and there are always the few that never will. Working nights makes it
tougher as I had no access to any support groups. And some people choose
to work nights because they have a problem getting along socially.
It was time to go, time to move on. I tried
to get a job outside the clean room so I could at least present myself
in a more feminine manner. Times are tough, no job movement, and I was
getting to feel pretty trapped in a situation I didn't want to be in.
While talking to my HR rep, she listened, was compassionate, told me all
my options including staying, and pointed out specifics about pursuing
various resolutions. IBM is good about that - at least they always have
been with me. But it got to the point I didn't want to fight anymore,
didn't want to feel I always had to walk on eggshells. It's just time
to move on.
We agreed on a fair way for me to leave
without too much pain financially to me. They even told me they would
pay for counseling for a while through a program they had. IBM has helped
me through what could have been the worst time in my life. They helped
me get my surgeries done, and even paid for my time off, which was extensive
due to complications. I couldn't have gotten where I am without their
help. I will always be grateful.
I know there are a lot of stories not as
good as mine. Society will take time to adjust to us in the workplace,
but as long as we have diversity-friendly places like IBM, it will get
better. All good things take time and patience. We just need more workplaces
that walk the walk and not just talk. I walk away from IBM with pride
and dignity, and sorrow as well. It's a hard decision to walk away from
a corporation like that. I will still help IBM any way I can. This is
tough on any company trying to make things fair while respecting others.
But I leave knowing they will keep working
at it and making things better and that's all one could ask. Sometimes
in life we only see the bad, the negative. Sometimes we can actually expect
the bad so much we can project it on others or even make it happen. And
sometimes we just have to have a bit more faith in people, and even if
they don'’t get it right the first time, be thankful they tried
and know they will keep trying. When I meet an old friend who doesn't
know I transitioned, I get "he'd" a lot. They keep trying to
get it right and in time they have trouble seeing you as your old self.
Be wary of ignorance and bigotry, there is plenty around. But never close
your eyes or you will miss wonderful, beautiful, caring people that want
to support you, to respect you and yes hopefully someone to love you.
I went to IBM as an unhappy trans person
living through my own internal hell as a male. I left as an unemployed
woman with the whole world in front of me, with my limits being only what
I make them. Life doesn't get any better than this. Who knows? Maybe someday
things will pick up and I will get a job at IBM where I can wear makeup,
show off my hair, wear pretty clothes, and most of all give back to a
wonderful company who gave so much to me.
April Elizabeth is a busy parent of two children and lives in Milton.