Tongue in Cheek
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Tongue in Cheek Ova the Rainbow |
by Kevin Isom
Lately,
I've been hearing a very strange sound. No, it's not the creaking of my
rebellious joints when I do lunges at the gym. It's the tick-tock sound
of gay male biological clocks sounding off across the country. Yes, it
appears some of us have them, too. Think "surrogate," the next
wave – or should I say "labor pain" – in gay child-bearing.
And lately, I'm seeing an awful lot about it in the press, too. Who SAYS
we can't reproduce?
As it happens, a few months ago, I did my
own research on the subject. Yes, adoption is always an option –
and a great one for both kids and parents, let me be clear – but
I wondered about the prospective dad or dads – who might want a
biological connection to the child. What about them? The options, it seems,
they are a-growin'!
I started my research by typing in the word "surrogate"
into an Internet search engine (my thinking being that typing in "how
to knock up your best female friend" might not get the right responses),
and I was shocked by the response: hundreds and hundreds of agencies,
clinics, lawyers, and message boards for prospective surrogate moms and
dads. My favorite name for a service? "Ova the Rainbow." You
think I'm kidding, but trust me, it's there. In California, of course.
With a surrogate, you are essentially paying
a woman to carry your child. And this nine month ride comes with two options:
either you can use her egg (this is garden-variety surrogacy), or you
can use her to carry the child but use a donor egg, which is fertilized
in a Petri dish somewhere and then implanted in the surrogate (this is
called gestational surrogacy). I don't want to think too hard about the
mechanics in any of this, but it's there. The Petri dish option is, understandably,
more expensive. And I noticed that the highest priced agencies seemed
to be in Beverly Hills. I guess all those Hollywood actresses want to
avoid stretch marks, and the law of supply and demand applies. So avoid
Hollywood, if you're surrogate shopping.
There are actually surrogate and egg-donor
profiles, some with photos (of the surrogates and donors, I mean, not
the eggs), on the web sites. It's virtually point-and-click parenthood.
The screening process is straightforward, the arrangements are made for
you, and then a child is on his or her way. Signed, sealed, and delivered.
(If only long-term relationships could be so easy.)
Of course, as I began to ponder the surrogacy
option (and for me, pondering is a dangerous sport), I wondered about
unexpected offshoot industries from the surrogacy option. Take music,
for example. Maybe it would be helpful to have music to get the donors
and surrogates in the right mental state, the right mood, if you will.
There would be classic songs, like "For Your Thighs Only" and
"I Only Have Ice For You." For the '80s retro set, there would
be the Olivia Newton John classic, "Let's Get Cervical." And
with the most emotional times of the year in mind, there would be the
Thanksgiving classic, "Gobble, Gobble, I"m Basting in Your Love."
But I digress. Seriously, more and more
guys are shelling out the bucks for the surrogacy option. Just last year,
in fact, the Lexington Herald-Leader in Lexington, Kentucky, reported
on the birth of quadruplets there. Now, while the birth of quadruplets
IS news in Kentucky, the interesting part was that the quads were born
to a surrogate mother and a local attorney, who will be raising them with
his male domestic partner. In Lexington, KY. Not San Francisco (the Homeland
of our People) or New York City or L.A. Right smack in the middle of America.
The men, both in their 30s, are about to have their hands full for, oh,
about the next 21 years or so. (Clearly, their bun in the oven came with
plenty of yeast.)
The great part about their experience is
that this couple had another relatively new choice about how to create
their family and how to live their lives. A whole new possibility is out
there for gay men.
It's just somewhere ova the rainbow.
Kevin Isom is the author of It Only Hurts When I Polka and Tongue in Cheek and Other Places, available at bookstores and online. He may be reached at isomonline@aol.com or www.KevinIsom.com