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How Do You Spell Stress?
How Do You Spell Stress?
by Susan McMillan
I
had a dream the other night. I was in a spelling bee and I could not spell
"veterinarian." I was mortified because I am a veterinarian.
It was just a variation of my lately all-too-common unprepared-for-school
dreams. Usually, there is an exam the next day and I have not been to
class and don't even own the textbook. Sometimes, there is a big project
due and I don’t know anything about it because I have not been to
class.
Can you spell stress??
They say you shouldn't do more than one
of these "major life events" at a time: change a job, move,
get married, have medical issues. In typical we-can-do-it-all fashion,
my partner and I are starting a new business, buying a house, renovating
that house, moving, and getting married out of town, all within about
one nanosecond this year. Did I mention the newly discovered growth in
my uterus? Surgery is recommended. Needless to say, I have lots of dreams
that scream "worry," and I often wake with a start – do
we have enough rooms reserved for our out-of-town wedding guests? Did
the bank get the escrow agreement? When can the contractor start construction?
Does the logo for the new business make sense?
My partner does not worry. Period.
Can you spell Libra? She's very patient with my bottomless pit of concerns
and endless lists. Even in the middle of the night, she patiently hears
all my "what-ifs" before returning to her oh so easy-to-reach
snooze cycle. Sometimes I'm jealous of her serenity in the midst of our
chaotic little world. Now and then, I'm perturbed that nothing seems to
aggravate her.
Before I met Becky, I remembered my
dreams only a few times each year. I was envious of people who would come
to work and discuss their latest imaginary nighttime escapade. It seemed
there was a second life out there and I was missing it. Almost as soon
as I met Becky, after literally decades of vacant nights, my dream life
came to be. Fun dreams, scary sometimes, lots of detail, and I remembered
them, sometimes several times a night. I loved them all because, finally,
I had my own dream world. We still wake in the night to tell each other
about the latest feature at the astonishing in-your-own-head cinema.
Now, I wonder when my final-exam-and-I-cannot-find-the-classroom-dreams
might taper off. Maybe once we get the business going? Nah, I'll fret
about my clients and patients as long as I practice.
Surely closing on the house and getting
our stuff out of storage will help. Not necessarily. We're trading in
our easy monthly rent for a higher mortgage and those unpredictable homeowner
expenses.
Okay, maybe getting our wedding into the history book will put my mind
at ease. Ah, but that might not be so easy. I'm an Episcopalian and, as
you may know, the Episcopal Church is trying to shred itself at the seams
over whether or not my partner and I can marry. With famine, war, AIDS,
and school shootings (can you spell the Rapture?), our church is arguing
over whether or not there is too much love in our household.
Better yet, I'll play a trick on my
mind to rid myself of this stress. One by one, I'm going to focus on each
ridiculous concern. As I identify these self-indulgent worries, all of
which are a product of how truly lucky I am, I'm going to mentally shift
them out of my head and into that unwelcome little mass in my uterus.
Can you spell visualize? And then, I’m going to have the mass removed.
Surgeons like to boast that "to cut is to cure." Maybe my "fibroidectomy"
will also cure my insomnia.
In any case, getting up in the middle of
the night after one of those crazy dreams, I sometimes pull out the tablet
and write about whatever is in my head. Now and then, it even turns into
an article for Out In The Mountains – like this one.
My partner? She patiently asks if
everything is okay when I flip on the light. Quietly she returns to her
dreams.... and in her dreams, I guess she's always prepared for school,
or she just takes it in stride anyway.
Ah, "to sleep, perchance
to dream."
Susan McMillan is the assistant editor of OITM. She, her
partner and their four-footed companions are moving to Mills Point. The
surgery was a success.