In a Family Way
|
In
a Family Way |
by Ari Istar Lev
In my work in the transgender community,
I often have the experience of people cozying up to me at social events
(in and out of the queer community) and, in hushed voices, asking questions
or disclosing information about themselves or family members who are crossdressers
or transsexuals. Perhaps they have a nephew whose "effemininity"
they are concerned about, perhaps they like crossdressing for Halloween
more than they want to admit. Once upon a time gay identity issues also
provoked this kind of curiosity, but, even with the religious right on
our tail (ooooh), we’ve made enormous advances.
We have won the right to have sodomy
in the privacy of our own homes with the permission of the Supreme Court,
60 percent of national adoption agencies will "let" us adopt
children (they should be on their knees begging us), and, the whopper
of all, the "permission" to join the institution of marriage
in at least one state (since the 50 percent divorce wasn't enough to scare
us off). We’ve come a long way in the past 40 years, light-years
in fact, since the days when we would routinely lose custody of our children
for any revelation about same-sex sexuality.
The political successes of the gay, lesbian,
and bisexual community have not yet been granted to transgender and transsexual
people. Trans people may retain some civil rights if they are in legal
heterosexual marriages, although sex changes routinely introduce questions
about the validity of "same-sex" marriages – depending,
of course, on the direction of your sex-change, and the sex of your partner.
If a person in a heterosexual relationship transitions, they may now be
perceived as being in a same-sex relationship – hence the marriage
may not be legally recognized; if a person in a same-sex relationship
transitions, they may now be perceived as heterosexual, and granted legitimacy
in the eyes of a judicial system obsessed with heterosexual privilege
and the power and significance of genitalia.
When a trans person is a parent, the
legal system wields the weapons of heterosexism and gender-normativity
to jeopardize basic parental rights. When a couple relationship does not
survive transition and there are children involved, the transgender person
may find themselves embroiled in a legal custody battle, where their transgender
status becomes a de facto definition of parental incompetence. Woe to
the couple or individual who do not yet have children, and seek parenthood
following a gender transition.
Trans people, just like LGB people,
have always been parents. They may have been closeted, they may have buried
their own truths deep down in their souls, pretending to be someone they
are not in order to maintain a socially acceptable relationship with their
children. They may have left their children in the care of ex-spouses,
grandparents, or friends, disappearing in the night, in order to live
their dream. Perhaps their children never knew about them or their new
lives, perhaps they were told their parents were dead, or even worse,
evil perverse people unworthy of love or respect.
The idea that trans people have a
right to be parents, to retain custody of their children, to maintain
relationships with their children, is an idea whose time has finally come.
Thirty years ago a woman who stood up in court and admitted to being in
a lesbian relationship was unlikely to secure custody of her children;
today, in most courts in the U.S., this would be a minor issue in the
case, not impacting the "best interests of the children." We
need to extend these rights to trans people, so they can also stand up
in court rooms – dressed how they like, using the pronouns they
chose, regardless of their surgical or legal status as male or female
– and be treated with dignity and respect, secure that their gender
identity or expression will not impact what is in the best interests of
their children.
Trans people are coming of age. Transwomen
are storing their semen before transition, hoping to biologically father
the children they will someday mother. Transmen are getting pregnant,
shaking the foundation of medical system – bearded, balding men,
large with pregnancies, birthing the children who will call them Papa.
Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver have new neighbors with whom little Beaver can
play.
Transgender parents will need a great
deal of support in the next decade, fighting for health coverage, fighting
adoption agencies, fighting custody battles. LGB people must not rest
on the laurels of all we have gained; we must use the political clout
and social acceptance we have gained to assure that all members of the
larger LGB and T communities acquire the same legal protections as we
have won. It’s in the best interests of our children.
Arlene Istar Lev, LCSW, CASAC is a family therapist, activist, and
lesbian mom to two handsome sons. Find her on the web at www.choicesconsulting.com
and www.proudparenting.com
(search: Dear Ari)