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Youth Zone
Youth Zone
If you’re between the
ages of 15-25 and have something to say,
this page is for YOUR stories, commentary, toons, art and pix.
Contact editor@mountainpridemedia.org
Being in the In-Between
by Maryanne Bolalek
I don't remember how the topic came about, but while in conversation with a friend, I mentioned that I'm the only kid who is out at my school. My friend's partner says, almost incredulously, "You're a lesbian?"
...So what do I tell them? To say yes would not be quite true. To say, "No, I'm bisexual," would also be kind of a lie. At the time, to save myself an explanation, I stammered out, "Uh... yeah." But the truth is that I'm not really a lesbian. I'm not really bi either. I find myself in this really weird in-between sort of place. Sexuality limbo, if you will.
I mean, yes, I did come out as a bisexual girl, with absolutely no
bias towards one gender or the other. If you believe that sliding a little on the sexual identity scale is possible — well, I suppose that's what I've done. If not, then I guess you might call it realization. But I'm finding, recently, that I just don't know what to call myself anymore.
The dictionary defines "lesbian" as "of or relating to homosexuality between females." Yeah. I kind of fit into that definition. Certainly, I find girls attractive, and can picture myself spending my life living with/married to a girl much more easily than I could see myself with a guy.
On the other hand, "bisexual" is defined as "sexually oriented toward both sexes." Once again: yes, I fit, and no, I don't. It's true, I admit it. Guys can be pretty attractive too, but not in the same way.
I just don't see myself ever being with one. Um... ever.
Of course, I'm only a teenager, and this could change. For goodness' sake, I've already shifted around a bit to find my comfortable place since my coming out, which- even though it seems AGES since- was only just over a year ago. But it's kind of a pain, not to fit in a box. I feel as though I'm not telling the truth unless I give this lengthy explanation. The lengthy explanation is more trouble than it's worth, too. Last time I tried to explain it to someone, they said, "Well, if you're not a lesbian, aren't you still bi, then?" ...Well, no, I'm not, since I just said I wasn't. Sheesh.
There are also those who might say I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. Both "homosexual" and "bisexual" have the word "sexual" in them, which pertains to sex, which I've happily abstained from. Thus, I might not know anything of my own sexuality (gasp, there it is again) at all, as of yet. ...Then again, I certainly hope that you don't need to have sex to know your own orientation. That would be risky, for one thing, and for another, I'm starting to tread on treacherous ground, so I'll move onward in this rambling little essay of mine.
So what am I, exactly? Am I a lesbian, or am I bisexual? Could I really be a silly teenager who knows nothing yet, or am I simply traveling from one point to the next? Or am I really somewhere in an undefined inbetween? What do I tell people, when they ask? I can't give a simple answer without either A: Not really telling the truth, by saying "Lesbian!" or "Bi!" or B: Sounding kind of dumb by saying, "Oh yeah, somewhere in between lesbian and bisexual." Alternatives are C: Worming my way out of the question by saying, "How should I know?" and D: Giving a long-winded explanation of how I came out as bi, and have slowly been edging closer and closer to the lesbian end of things, like some ominous bit of driftwood.
Or a hungry dog. ...Actually, not the hungry dog. Driftwood is safer. And doesn't drool. Usually. So I suppose that besides being a think-out-loud session for me, this article means to ask, are there more of you out there who don't fit in a box? Or maybe you've been in the same spot, and have eventually wiggled out of it?
As it is, I suppose I'm going to have to make peace with this
weird little square of identity ground I find myself standing on. It's somewhere between bisexuality and homosexuality, and maybe some of the grass growing in it is the confused-teenager variety. I'll sit down here and figure it out. Or leave it be and let it figure itself
out. Or maybe just sit here. And finish this bit of writing. Now.
Maryanne Bolalek is a sophomore at Black River High School in Ludlow, Vermont.