Features
First Person
First
Person:
Voice of the Vise Versa
by Heather Reed
I
would like to dedicate this article to Matthew and Caysie for embracing
me for who I am, sharing this life with me, and for your unconditional
love. You enhance the beauty within me, without you my colors would not
be nearly as bright.
Society has molded us to believe
that we as sexual beings are either heterosexual or homosexual. When it
comes to identifying ourselves sexually, we categorize ourselves into
one or the other.
If you cannot define yourself as either
heterosexual or homosexual, you must linger somewhere in the middle. In
this case it is most commonly assumed that there is sexual confusion.
The term used for this middle limbo is "bisexual."
Each individual has a unique sexual
identity. Labels were created to give us a place to put ourselves among
others in society. I bought a sticker on the internet one day that stated
my sexual identity perfectly: "I prefer a person, not a gender."
Let's unleash the voice of the "Vise Versa" sexual being.
When
I was in grade school I hung out with boys more often than girls. I enjoyed
climbing trees and catching frogs moreso than playing with Barbie and
Ken. I had my girlfriends, but was not as interested in the girly play
as I was making forts in the woods.
In high school I had crushes on girls
all the time. I thought they were sexy, unique, and intriguing. Boys in
high school were disgusting, rude, and rough. While all my friends had
boyfriends, I would daydream about the girl on the other side of the classroom
taking notes and adjusting her reading glasses. I had a girlfriend in
high school, though we didn’t define ourselves as such, and had
many female friends, but my palling around was most exciting when I was
with the boys.
I don't know if people could read me sexually.
I have always worn my emotions on my sleeve, but aren't we all curious
and questioning at that age?
After high school I moved out of my parents'
house and into an apartment with my two best friends (male, of course)
and a female friend of one of my roommates. One of my best buddies and
I had always been extremely close, much like brother and sister. We were
truly ourselves with one another.
When the drinks started tickling our brains,
sex always followed. We were young, horny, and comfortable with one another.
It was convenient and fun. I also felt intense love for my female roommate
at the time. She was unique, gorgeous, and intrigued the very
intimate depths of my being.
I wanted her. We had a genuine connection,
an unspoken energy between our eyes. She moved away, my heart was shattered,
and that is what life dealt me at that time. As the story continues, the
chapter that we move to is that my best friend and I married, at only
twenty-two years of age.
At the time of commitment I was not
who I am today. My sexuality just seemed to work itself into a lifestyle.
I wasn't comfortable with having a "vise versa" sexual identity,
so I chose the easy road, the one most traveled, or the only road I was
aware existed. I have a healthy relationship and a unique marriage, one
based on honesty, trust, openness, and individual strength.
My husband has always known about my sexual
preferences. Out of anyone I have ever known, he has always been undeniably
accepting of it and has embraced me for who I am, regardless of my sexual
split. He supports me as a person and does not deny me my right to think,
do, and choose for myself. We think very much "outside the box"
as individuals, and as a couple. Although we share life together, we are
unique individuals who have our own mind, heart, and life to nurture.
We build inner strength together which allows
us to be stronger as individuals. I can embrace myself now in ways I couldn't
do before. My sexuality has not changed. I have not chosen one over the
other. In the close-mindedness of society maybe it seems I have. I embrace
what I have while I have it. Tomorrow that may change. What
I know to be certain is that I will love to the best of my ability and
give to others only the best of me.
Boundaries in our lives do not exist
unless we create them. Would I have done things differently if I was back
then who I am now? Without a doubt, but I'm sure I'm not the first person
to feel that way. Do I follow behind others' footsteps to ensure acceptance
and a direct path?
I’m miles to the side of everyone
and my feet don't just walk an unbeaten path, they dance. I try to enhance
the limitless possibilities this life has for me. Admiring and desiring
both men and women can create intense emotions and leave a feeling of
void at times. I am still building and growing, learning and expanding.
Surely as my life progresses, such voids will work themselves out in their
own unique way.
I have a profound and genuine love
for the man in my life. I appreciate that he contributes to who I have
become. He is unique in how he views life and respects mine. I am captivated
by a woman in my life who is close to my heart. I adore her and desire
her completely. I have much respect for her as a beautiful woman and my
dearest friend. I listen to my heart, feel its breath, and embrace its
voice. I am with a man at this time in my life, I have a strong desire
for a woman, am still growing with myself in knowing where my heart brings
me, all of which are parts of my intimate soul's journey. Ten years from
now when I wake in the morning, will I look into the eyes of a man, or
a woman, or maybe merely my own reflection?
Where my heart brings me from this
moment to the next is what living and loving is. Choosing to not deny
this and that out of respect for myself.
Women and men are attractive and delicious
in various ways. What can be a woman's strength can be a man’s weakness
and vise versa. What makes a man or a woman attractive to me is the uniqueness
in their eyes and their inner beauty that lies beyond the surface of the
skin. I connect intimately with the person who best complements who I
am.
Do I have to make a decision
as to what gender I prefer? Must I decide one over the other for the rest
of my life? I’ve been told by many that everything in life works
itself out, and I try to believe in that as one moment brings me to the
next. Given the insecurities of social status and the emphasis placed
on sexual identity, sometimes I feel pressured to decide between men and
women.
But the only real pressure that ever
exists is the pressure we place on ourselves. Onlookers may assume I fall
into the category of heterosexual, or think I no longer have a choice
to be anything other than a happily married heterosexual, due to the choice
I made years ago. What may be seen by the blind eyes of society is just
that.
However, what is within me as a woman,
as an individual, is a beauty yet unseen by those blind eyes. Nothing
is ever certain, nothing is ever forever. Change, growth, and realizations
all come to us moment to moment as we live each day. I would be disappointed
in myself if I set limitations in my life and denied possibilities that
I may or may not know even exist in the moments to come.
I am queer, bisexual, driven, and
full of intimate depth and voice. What you see at a glance in my direction
makes me but a stranger to what lies within. I wish for us all to cherish
the ability to love another, look deeper than the skin and embrace all
the beauty that lies within all of us. It is easier to embrace others
when we first embrace ourselves.
It was Ghandi who once said
"Be the change you wish to see
in the world." I am being.
Heather was born in Burlington and now lives in Colchester. Her obsession
is rock climbing and she loves to write, especially poetry.