by Ronald Blake
      I'm going to give you five minutes to come up with all the objections you have for working out. Who am I fooling? You already currently have numerous objections, your honor. You would have just wasted those precious 300 seconds lusting over your new Abercrombie catalog. I have the top four excuses that I hear on a quotidian basis: 1) no money 2) no time 3) not motivated 4) don't like it. I shall explore the skinny on all these fascinating obstacles to your health and fitness. Follow me and watch where you step.
      "I just don't have the money to work out."
      You're right! You needed it for your manicure and martini lunch, the ten weekly Starbucks lattés, the Betty Boop windshield sunshade, the Casino Arizona slot machines, the commemorative Governor Janet Napolitano copper coin, the ABBA Greatest Hits CD, and of course the Fancy Feast for little Purrfect.
      Even with all these essentials recorded and on the ledger, you can still afford fitness. For less than $100, you can go to Target and acquire the necessities for your home workout. You can purchase a stability ball, resistance bands, and several pairs of various weighted dumbbells. These items are space-friendly and they provide an equivalent workout to any fitness club.
      "I just don't have time to work out."
      At a minimum, you only need two to three hours per week for your fitness needs. That equates to about one percent of your weekly hours. One idea is to get up with the paperboy and get your workout in before all the day's obligations tsunami upon you. A Buenos Dias workout will also give you more energy for your hectic day. That might mean giving up the 11 pm Nick at Nite episode of the Brady Bunch the evening before. It's all about priorities.
      Here's another free suggestion: keep an exercise ball, resistance bands, and a few sets of dumbbells in your work office. Exercise right after work in your office for 30 minutes. By the time you're done, rush hour should have eased a bit and you'll have saved time and sanity from not being stuck in traffic. Use creativity and brainstorming and I'm willing to bet that you will find some time for a fitness routine.
      "I'm just not motivated to work out."
      Honey, if you were in a burning building, you'd find the motivation to get out. I can hear some of you now. "Yeah, but that's different because a burning building is an emergency and you will do whatever it takes to get out." Oh, really! So you're saying that you'll wait until your health becomes an emergency before taking any reactive measures. Discuss this amongst yourselves before moving on.
      Here are some great motivational techniques for your fitness program.
      Find a workout partner. There's nothing like a true buddy carrying you through those doldrums in life.
      Listen to your favorite energizing and inspiring CDs before, during, and after your workouts. Do I hear the Rocky soundtrack building momentum?
      Place motivational sayings or quotations on slips of paper and strategically position these in conspicuous locations at your work, in your car, and in your home.
      Write your goals down on paper and place these, too, in conspicuous places. The likelihood of achieving your goal increases by 80 percent when it is written down.
      "I just don't like to work out."
      It's too hard. It's no fun. It hurts. Here are a few more negative, nihilistic, nay-saying nouns for you ne'erdo-wells: dislike, antipathy, disinclination, odium, disapprobation, displeasure, repulsion, repugnance, and hate. Hate!! Now that's a powerful mean word to bandy around. However, most people have these feelings about fitness. Most people also had those feelings about school whilst they were mere moppets. Thank god for recess, "hot for teacher", and Friday night football games. Most people today have those hateful feelings for their job. Thank god for jean days, potlucks, and the hot blond in cubicle 9A.
      You need to find that silver lining in your fitness cloud. Is your glass half-empty or half-full? The answer lies within you, my young Jedi!
      Excuses are like _______(fill in your favorite body part). Everybody has one. I hope I've given you some power to move beyond those ubiquitous evildoers. "Christina, bring me the axe!" Now go out and chop away at all your obstacles!
       Bon chance, mon ami!

Ron Blake originally wrote this piece for Heatstroke, a bimonthly newspaper serving the GLBT community in Phoenix, Arizona.