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by Joe Swinyer
Dear Joe,
I am a male in my early 40s, gay but
not overly out. I have been in several longterm relationships over the
years. My buddy, a neighbor and church friend, is also in his early 40s,
lives at home with his parents, never dates, and has never had a girlfriend.
I am one of his best friends, and his only other friends are gay but closeted.
The dilemma? I am really attracted
to this guy, but hesitate to act, as I do not know if he is gay. What
if I approach him and mess up our friendship, not to mention causing cosmic
disturbances locally if he objects to my approach?
What to do? I'm getting antsy about
this.
Dear Antsy,
This is an age-old question for gay
guys and gals ... is your friend gay or straight? You have three options
to consider, and Joe does advise very careful consideration of the options.
There are benefits and risks for all three.
Option One is to let matters develop,
if indeed they do. Your friend may identify as gay and come out to you.
Wonderful! Or he may decide to get a girlfriend and thus resolve the matter.
The issue that you need to consider here is time. Are you seeking a relationship
now? Or can you wait a long time or forever for the guy to act? - which
he may never do. Do you have the time and patience to wait, perhaps for
nothing?
Option Two is more proactive: come
out to your friend and gauge his reaction. This may test your friendship
if he is straight or questioning. You need to ask yourself, "Do I
want this guy for a friend if he cannot accept me as a gay man?"
Again, your decision, as if
he is not gay-friendly, the cosmic disturbances could take place, although
coming out is not as big an issue as it was years ago. At least you will
know where he stands on gays!
Option Three is the most proactive
and needs to be thought out carefully: come out to the guy and reveal
that you like HIM. Your agonizing may be solved, although Joe cannot predict
the manner in which that will happen. Wouldn't it be nice if he falls
into your arms and reveals that he has pined for you as well? On the other
hand, the response may be less enthusiastic. Again, do you want a friend
who cannot accept you as gay? This is a big consideration in options two
and three.
So, dear Antsy, Joe cannot recommend
an exact course of action. You need to review the options above and make
your considered decision. Joe cannot refrain, however, from pointing out
that while option one is the most cautious, it can take a lot of your
time and induce emotional fatigue.
Advisedly,
Joe
Any questions for Joe can be emailed to him at joe [at] mountainpridemedia
[dot] org.